My relationship with food
Food is a topic I’ve often avoided. I’d never understood the passion people have for preparing and eating food. To me, my relationship with food was simply that it was something I had to put into my body in order to survive. Cooking was an annoyance, but a necessity.
I used to quickly scroll past food pics on Facebook, avoid cooking shows and try to change the topic when conversations with friends gravitated towards cooking. My only brief flirtation with enjoyable home cooking was when my kids were toddlers and I went through a phase of making fun meals for them.
But why?
I think this is yet another thing that unfortunately stems from my childhood. Meals were a nightmare growing up. I’m not saying there weren’t any good times with my family. We laughed and joked and enjoyed each other’s company plenty, of course. My mother used to spend a long time making delicious roast dinners every Sunday. She would literally be in the kitchen for most of the day cooking. I loved them.
But I guess negative experiences resonate stronger, perhaps.
Family time
My family held the view that meals were a time to all sit down together. This wasn’t always possible if one of my parents was working, but generally it was something they aspired to and I try to do the same now with my kids, especially at the weekend.
The problem with that for me though, is that it meant I was unable to avoid the scrutiny, criticism and anger that often came my way. I remember many meals spent in terrified silence. He would often use them to complain and vent his anger. He got annoyed at laughing, or conversations he wasn’t the centre of. I also remember being relentlessly teased for the way I sat, ate, even breathed.
Changing seats
One meal, I can’t remember how old I was, maybe as old as 16 or 17, maybe younger, he suddenly stood up from his seat opposite me and insisted that my mother (on my left) switch seats with him permanently. His reason, he barked angrily, was that he didn’t want me breathing on him.
I had (and still do have) pretty relentless allergies and so he would constantly be berating me for sneezing and sniffing and telling me I was gross and disgusting. I’ve carried those beliefs with me my whole life.
I hate eating in front of people. I cover my mouth with my hand if I perceive someone is watching me. I’ve always felt like I’m a terrible eater and I feel embarrassed and ashamed about it.
Unbearable stress
At the time I was applying to universities the stress levels in our home upped considerably. He didn’t want me to leave home, but rather commute to a local university. I knew I absolutely had to get out of the house, or I may not survive. So I put my foot down.
I chose to study a foreign language that wasn’t available at the local university and used that as my excuse. Those months were awful. I was subjected to ranting and angry outbursts and a lot of nasty comments. I was told I was going to fail my exams and that I wouldn’t survive alone and all sorts of things.
As an adult I can look back and recognise that all of his bluster and projection was about him, not me. But as a child I took it all on board, believing it all to be true; that I was a failure, disgusting and unlovable.
The teen years are hard
Perhaps some of the negative self-beliefs I had are things felt by many teenagers, regardless of their upbringing. It’s a difficult time, discovering who you are and your place in the world. Our internal critic can be harsh. The thing is, I had an external critic too, one who was even harsher.
I’ll never know how much of my lack of self-confidence was just a normal part of growing up and how much was a result of my upbringing. Maybe I would have been brought up by “super”-parents and still ended up uncertain and unsure of myself. But I watch my kids growing up now and I see just how different it is for them and I’m glad.
Struggling to eat
During that difficult time before I left home for university, I lost my appetite. As a result I also lost quite a bit of weight. I don’t believe it was an eating disorder as I wasn’t deliberately trying to do so. Rather, I think it was a symptom of depression.
It was difficult for me to eat sometimes. I had to force food down. I was extremely fussy with food anyway. Textures have always been an issue for me. I’ve grown out of many dislikes thankfully and can now eat things like mushrooms, which I couldn’t stand when I was a kid.
I’ve always had a lot of fear and anxiety around eating and mealtimes. I feared not being able to finish a meal and being yelled at and I feared eating messily and being yelled at. I was also so anxious to eat in front of others, in case they thought I was disgusting too, confirming what my dad was telling me.
Changing my relationship with food
So cooking was something I never felt drawn to. It’s surprising really, given how much creativity and imagination go into it. But I avoided it as much as possible.
But now it’s time to change my relationship with food. Food is a huge part of our lives. Eating with family and friends can and should be joyous and fun. I started to wonder recently if maybe cooking doesn’t have to be a chore, but rather a way I can actively nurture my body. I can show myself self-love by choosing things to cook and eat that make me feel healthy and good.
Why now?
I don’t know why this is specifically coming up now. But I trust it and believe it’s a natural part of my healing journey. Whenever you look at how to be healthier and happier, the topic of nutrition inevitably comes up. I’d always kind of ignored it and looked for answers to different questions. However, it seems I’m now ready to face the unpleasant memories and create new positive connections in my mind with food.
I want to be healthy. I want to live a long life. And I want to nurture, love and respect my body.
Embracing my relationship with food
It’s time to change my relationship with food and make food my friend, not my enemy.
So, I’ve challenged myself to discover new recipes, adapt them to my own tastes and explore the culinary world a little, not just for me, but also for my family.
Here are some examples of some dishes I’ve made over the last few days. I couldn’t be more surprised and proud of myself to be posting these pictures here.
Join my Facebook group to find ideas and support for your own goals and challenges this month to increase your self-confidence and embrace your authentic path in life.