What’s a rabbit hole?
I suppose before you start to look at how to get out of a rabbit hole, it is a good idea to be clear on what one is exactly.
When one thing leads to another
There are lots of definitions online. If we start very literally, a rabbit hole is the entrance to a warren – a vast underground network of tunnels and chambers that spread out like a maze. There is no map, so the concept is we enter this world where we have no idea what is around the next corner, nor, perhaps, how to return to the surface. Going down a rabbit hole could be used to describe a situation where you start researching one thing online which leads to you clicking onto links and ending up some time later reading something utterly unrelated to your original search.
Slightly more bizarre
Many people may think of Alice in Wonderland when they hear the word rabbit hole. In this case, falling down a rabbit hole leads to a strange world of nonsense, where reality is warped and anything could happen. Therefore falling down a rabbit hole is also used to describe a trippy drug experience or to depict an experience completely out of the ordinary.
An internal journey
Another way I have seen it used though is when you fall into a trap of negative thinking. A single negative thought can suck you down into a rabbit hole, for it spawns more negative thoughts which exacerbate anxiety and depression. There is an overriding sense of doom and despondency, with no insight as to how to find a way out. It feels dark and overwhelming and like you have no control over what is happening to you. You’re vulnerable to the whim of outside circumstances. You’re falling and you’re powerless to control it.
What’s it like in a rabbit hole?
Not all rabbit holes are the same. Some are deeper and darker than others. I’ll try and describe one of mine, or at least how it used to be until I learned how to recognise them and take the necessary steps to pull myself out.
I think mine were pretty dark as a few years ago they did used to lead to self-harm and suicidal ideation. I will keep my description fairly general, but if you feel you could be triggered by reading my account, please skip this and go on to the next section.
Everything seems impossible and hopeless. The voice in my head is relentlessly reminding me of all the things I hate about myself. I can hear all the real or imagined judgments of people in my life and the people I have yet to meet. I don’t feel like talking to anyone, because I’m scared they’ll see the broken me and never want anything to do with me again. I’m terrified of burdening my friends and losing them. I’m scared there’s something wrong with me and that everything is all my own fault.
I feel tired, lethargic, unwilling to take any action. That includes even touching my piano. I find myself doing nothing, just wasting time on meaningless activities: phone games, or scrolling through Netflix. I long for an alcoholic drink, because it feels like the only possible way I could relax. Even though I’m doing nothing strenuous, my body feels heavy and tense. My shoulders and neck hurt. I don’t feel like eating.
My mind continues to wander to various things I dislike about myself. I tell myself I need to make changes and be a better person, but I can’t be bothered. What’s the point? I feel the hatred towards myself building. I’m frustrated with myself, I want to dig the bad things out of me. I feeling fearful and anxious, as if something awful could happen at any moment. I feel like everyone can see how terrible a person I am and I need to hide it from everyone. I’m broken.
What’s a trigger?
A trigger is something that can cause painful memories to resurface. It can be a word, a smell, an image, absolutely anything. The tricky thing is it can sometimes feel completely unrelated to anything that has happened in your past and so it can be hard to connect the dots.
Emotional flashbacks
After I did a lot of reading about c-PTSD caused by childhood trauma I learned about emotional flashbacks. Memories from early childhood can be very fuzzy. Sometimes we don’t remember the exact events. In addition we can often blot painful things out to protect ourselves. I’ve had many conversations with other family members who remember things I’d forgotten and vice versa.
An emotional flashback stemming from an unrecognised trigger can be extremely confusing and overwhelming. I find that many of mine take me to a place where I think everyone hates me and I’m flawed, broken and unlovable. So one minute I’m happily chatting with a friend and everything is fine. The next I find myself upset and I don’t fully understand why. It seems like a complete overreaction on my part. I start to berate myself for being weak. Before long I’m falling into a rabbit hole, unable to break the descent into self-denigration and anguish.
What to do when you are in a rabbit hole
I think the single most important thing is to recognise it. The second is to accept it.
When everything seems negative and overwhelming, the first thing I do is admit I’m in a rabbit hole. Then I remind myself it’s temporary. Next I give myself permission to be there for a little bit. Maybe I just need to feel things out for a while.
Don’t fuel the fire
When down a rabbit hole, I used to beat myself up for feeling sad or negative about myself, telling myself I should be stronger. But it just made things worse. I used to think there was something terribly wrong with me, which played into my core beliefs and fears about who I am essentially as a human being. When I discovered that in fact there was nothing inherently wrong with me and that all of my reactions stem from my brain’s clever way of protecting me from trauma, I started to afford myself self-compassion. So I told myself, no more beating myself up for falling down a rabbit hole. That relieves a lot of the pressure.
Self-care
Even though I often don’t feel like doing anything when I’m down a rabbit hole, I know that it’s by doing things that I will start to feel better. Personally the absolutely most important thing I can do for myself is get enough sleep. I believe and trust that after sleep I will feel much better. So often I just accept that today is going to be one of those days. I’m going to feel sad and lethargic and it will be better tomorrow. I take the pressure off myself to do anything but just be in the moment. So what if the laundry doesn’t get done? There’s always tomorrow.
Another thing I often do is take a bath. It really doesn’t require much energy at all, so it’s something I can always manage. I have a selection of bath salts and so I’ll make sure I pick my favourite colours – either purple or blue.
Another go-to recently is to do a jigsaw puzzle while watching TV. Actually I enjoy this anyway and it’s something I do regularly, not just when I’m down a rabbit hole. It’s soothing to me when my hands have something to do.
Everyone has their own way of taking care of themselves. You have to work out what works for you. It’s probably a good idea to find things you appreciate in life when you are not feeling low or vulnerable and then you can draw on them when you are. Some people write out a self-care list for when they need it.
Reaching out to friends
I think it’s wonderful if you have a friend you can reach out to in a bad moment. I have several such friends that I know are there for me. Friends remind us that we’re not alone and that we are cared about and loved. They also remind us that we love and care about them too.
I think we do need to take some responsibility for ourselves though. It isn’t our friends “job” to cheer us up or make us feel better. They often do, but it’s not an obligation. I say this not to discourage anyone from talking to their friends. In fact, reaching out in a moment of need will often increase intimacy and deepen relationships. I say it only as a reminder never to take friendship for granted and to keep an eye on the concept of balance. Make sure you are giving your friend roughly the same amount of time that they are giving to you.
How to avoid a rabbit hole
Rabbit holes can be very unpleasant. So it’s natural to want to know how to avoid them in the first place.
The truth is I don’t believe you can, nor should you. We’re human and sometimes bad shit is just going to happen to us. People we love are going to die, we’re going to get hurt and scared sometimes, and we’re going to struggle. It’s part of our human journey.
How to turn a rabbit hole into a positive
Rabbit holes can offer a wonderful insight into understanding who you are as a person. Examining why you react to things the way you do may lead to you unearthing ways you can take action in your life to move forward towards your goals and dreams. Rabbit holes don’t always have to be a bad thing. For example, I think a grief rabbit hole is an important place to reside in for a while if you lose someone close to you. Feeling unpleasant emotions is sometimes the only way to work through something hard.
When to reach out for professional help
I believe it is possible to navigate a rabbit hole by recognising where you are, why you are there and then taking the small steps you need to ensure you don’t get completely lost down there. It’s okay not to be okay, but only when you believe and trust that it’s temporary. If it feels more overwhelming than you can manage alone and you can’t ever see a way out, then you may need someone to throw you a rope to help you up. That rope may be in the form of a professional therapist or coach. And that’s perfectly okay too. Clinical depression is a lot more complex than simply being down a rabbit hole.
Symptoms of clinical depression – NHS, UK
Changing your inner narrative
At the end of the day we’re the ones who get to choose how we experience our lives.
We can take control over our own inner voice and the way we talk to ourselves and not let others define our sense of self and worth.
Adopting positive self-talk and self-compassion can help you through hard moments. Next time you’re down a rabbit hole, be kind to yourself and tell yourself it’s okay and you’ll get through it. Remind yourself that everyone struggles sometimes. Do the things you need to do that make you feel better and cared for. Reach out to a friend, write out how you’re feeling in a journal. If nothing helps, try an early night. It may just feel a lot better in the morning.
