Who Am I?
One of the problems with growing up in a narcissistic environment is that everyone’s focus is on the narcissist and on avoiding conflict.
One of the best ways to do that is to agree with them and not speak out of turn. This makes it difficult to learn to think for yourself, because you aren’t safe to explore and express different opinions. If you do, then you are ridiculed, told outright you are wrong, perhaps even threatened, called nasty names, or tormented in other ways.
Narcissists do NOT like to be disagreed with.
Adapting Your Expectations
One of the things you learn to do, is to accept disappointments. You convince yourself that it doesn’t matter what you wanted, because you are flexible and don’t mind either way.
So, to use a fairly benign example, say everyone really fancies pizza that night, but the narcissist decides you’re all having mashed potatoes, well, that’s the end of the conversation. There’s no negotiation. Pizza is out. So you tell yourself maybe it’s better to have the mashed potatoes and that you didn’t really want pizza anyway. It’s a way to push aside the constant disappointment and disregard of your desires.
This example might not seem like a big deal and it probably wouldn’t be if it happened on the odd occasion, but if you extrapolate it to every single part of your life, then it inevitably becomes part of who you are. You learn to want the things the narcissist chooses, because it’s better than facing the rage if you disagree.
False Beliefs
I think another part of the reason I struggled to feel like I truly know myself and what I actually want and think is because I was constantly being told I was something I wasn’t.
False beliefs are unsettling, because they don’t align with who you are on a very deep level. It’s confusing. For example, I grew up believing it was my fault he was always angry. I thought I was causing it, so I must be essentially and irreparably flawed and therefore a bad person. My opinions were all wrong, so I didn’t speak out much. I didn’t want people to know I was so stupid and bad and confirm my worthlessness.
It’s Complicated
I don’t think it’s fair to blame everything on my upbringing. Working out who you are and what is important to you is a unique journey for every single person. We learn from our parents, of course, but we also learn from school, our friends, the people around us, our society and culture, the media, the books and videos we consume and so on. Every experience we have combines to shape us in a unique way.
I know that my core values were seeded from a very young age, despite my childhood. Things like honesty, integrity, compassion for others, and the willingness to see things from another point of view. I definitely learned a lot of valuable things from the books I was exposed to and from attending Girl Guides.
In The Spotlight
Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about the importance of knowing your core values and true beliefs and opinions. I’m embarking on a journey as an author, hoping that one day I will have a much larger readership. I see successful authors giving interviews, taking part in podcasts and talking about their books at events or on social media and to be honest, I feel a little intimidated. I don’t know if I have what it takes to sit in front of a camera and be interviewed on a far-reaching scale like that. It feels so daunting. What if I say the wrong thing?
I guess that’s probably a worry all people in the public eye must feel. We all mess up. Clips can be taken out of context, something that was accepted as okay ten, fifteen years ago may be highly contentious now. People may have also held views in the past that they hadn’t questioned or challenged. I mean for me, trans issues weren’t really something I thought about much, to be honest. Not until people in my life helped me open my eyes.
Changing Opinions
Our opinions evolve and change constantly. I think that’s a comforting thing to know and keep in mind, actually. I think it’s important to be open-minded and always willing to reexamine our opinions and adapt and change as we live our lives and learn and grow.
The reason I bring this up is because I think it’s important to be aware that even if you can clearly identify and define your beliefs and opinions, they are only true at this moment. In five years` time they will probably have changed. You don’t have to buy into the idea that who you are and what you believe is set in stone. It’s fluid and ever-evolving.
Deep Dive
I intend to do a deep dive into my core values and true beliefs and discover more about who I am and what I believe right now. I think it’s vitally important to know myself as a person and as a writer and be able to articulate that. If one day someone does interview me in front of a large audience and asks me a deep question, I want to be able to answer with honesty and clarity. If someone calls me out on anything I say, I want to be confident enough to stand my ground and explain why I think what I do. However, I also want the freedom and courage to be able to alter my stance, if I choose, and not dig into a position because I said something once and now can’t ever change my mind.
An Intuitive Journey
How am I going to do this? Well, I am embarking on an intuitive personal journey, intending to uncover more about my core values and true beliefs. I’m not following any laid-out plan or methodology. I am listening to my body and mind and doing what feels right.
I am very aware that before embarking on this journey, I feel I need to work on some physical stuff first.
Struggle With Alcohol
I’ve mentioned this before in this blog, but I’ve struggled with alcohol my whole adulthood. It has always been a form of self-medication. Aside from the obvious physical reason – that alcohol is an addictive drug – I’ve identified the main reasons that have led me to drink.
I would use it to numb uncomfortable feelings and push down my feelings of worthlessness. When I drank I would feel funnier, more outgoing, more confident, more like the person I wanted to be, who I thought I really was deep down. It was like I was hiding beneath all this fear and shame and the real me only came out when I had a drink. I started to believe that people only liked me when I was drunk because without it I was really boring. I’ve always used it as a crutch for social events, even online ones. I also associated it with various other things, including celebrating. It became a reward for working hard, for accomplishing something, for getting through the week, for anything really.
Giving Something Up Is Hard
I’ve known for a while I need to quit and I’ve been struggling with it over the last few years. I enjoy the feeling of being drunk and letting my hair down. I enjoy the nights out, the intimacy of chatting about anything and everything with friends, sharing secrets, sharing moments and being silly together. It’s hard to give it up.
I think that’s where the problem lies and why I fail. “Giving up” is a sacrifice, a loss. I am going into it with the mindset that I have to force myself to refrain from something I want, and that’s hard. It’s probably never going to work.
It has to be different this time. It has to be about choice and about gaining, not losing.
Harsh Reality
I’m in my forties. I’m probably at least halfway through my life. I hope I am only that far, anyway. I want to live.
So what am I gaining? Well, if I quit I’m gaining more life!
I’ve been putting poison into my body for years. That’s the reality. It makes me sick when I think about it. Society has approved and encouraged me to poison my own body and shorten my precious life, yet it gleefully shames me if I come out and say I haven’t got this under control and I am struggling to stop. Well, I’m done with listening. Society can think what it likes. I’m making decisions for me from now on.
I’m Quitting
I’ve been cutting down generally for a while, but yesterday it was a week (actually 7 days, 11 hours and 11 minutes) since I made the decision to quit completely. I’m hesitant to write “for good” because I’ve been here before and had to sheepishly bow my head when I’ve gone back to it.
Alcohol is an addictive drug and it calls my name loudly. The danger of relapse is very real. I know this. It’s terrifying to write such absolutes in public, knowing I could fail and come across as a complete flake. But my truth in this moment is that I don’t want alcohol to be part of my life anymore. I can’t not try, just in case I might fail and then feel embarrassed about it. I refuse to allow myself to feel ashamed for trying.
I’m taking it one goal at a time. I started with a week. I’ve done that, so now I’m fairly confident I can achieve a month. When I’ve done that, I will extend it to three. When I’ve done that, I will look at my next goal. One step at a time.
Taking Time
I have other physical health goals, including dietary changes, more exercise, and reducing my caffeine intake, but for now I’ve given myself four weeks to worry about nothing but quitting alcohol. Overloading myself with too much pressure to do everything at once is a surefire way for me to invite in another excuse to drink.
I know the next part of my journey in life needs to be done away from the shadow of alcohol. I feel this throughout my body; if I don’t stop, I’m going to get really sick.
Looking At My Core Values And True Beliefs
I’m going to be looking in depth at my core values and true beliefs over the next few weeks and months. I intend to explore who I am as a person, a writer and an artist and unearth what I truly think about things and why.
It will be self-guided, unscripted, untimed and unpressured. I think with any personal journey, the key is to listen to your intuition and do what feels right when it feels right. That said, I hope that maybe what I share of my journey will inspire you on yours in some way.
Why this picture? Because I’m greatly inspired by the beauty of Norway and Scandinavia and one of the things that keeps me focused is my dream to one day spend some time living in the sub-Arctic.
More Articles on Healing Childhood Trauma