We all judge
I think when we find ourselves feeling critical of someone else, often it really isn’t about them but about us. It’s hard to look at though, because who wants to think of themself as someone who ‘judges’?
I know if I catch myself doing it, I feel ashamed. I try to immediately erase it from my consciousness and pretend it doesn’t happen. But then I miss the lesson. What is my judgment telling me about myself?
Attention seeking.
I saw a post on Facebook earlier and I immediately judged it as “attention-seeking”.
One of my greatest fears is being seen this way. My father used to call me that. I was a child desperate for love, who got dismissed, silenced and bullied. So of course I wanted some positive attention. But that normal and natural need was ridiculed out of me with name-calling and teasing. I thought it made me even more of a bad person than I already was. I was some kind of attention-seeking lowlife. It was shameful. So I worked very hard to appear not to need anything from anyone.
Invisible
I was desperate for someone to notice me and love me, but I was quiet and shy. I longed for my teachers to see me, recognise how much I was hurting inside and show me I mattered. For that I hated myself. What was wrong with me? Why was I so needy, so flawed?
In my final year of school, one teacher did see me. She held me in her arms and gave me a hug sometimes. I could have stayed there forever. But I felt terrible for such awful attention-seeking. I tried not to ask too often. I didn’t want her to judge me and hate me.
Triggered
So when I saw that post and deemed it as attention-seeking, it triggered old feelings of contempt and scorn deep within me. I directed them at a complete stranger, knowing nothing of her life story, or of what had happened that had led her to make such a vulnerable post. Instead, I went to a familiar place of ridicule.
“What an attention seeker!” I thought.
Let it go
Often if something triggers me online, I scroll on by. Let it go, is a good mantra for social media surfing. It can save a lot of stress. When I feel negative emotions, I often distract myself with other things. Then over time, the unpleasant feelings dissipate and I feel better. The thing is though, I don’t think this means I have dealt with anything. I am simply allowing my negative feelings to sink back down to the dark hidden place within me from where they had risen, their daring dart for freedom thwarted by my fear of actually confronting them head on.
Release
I recognise that my judgment today stems from judgment I have about myself.
I’m the attention-seeker. It’s me who deserves contempt and scorn. I’m the flawed one.
I need to release this. I need to confront it and own up. Yes, I have been an attention seeker. I will no longer keep that fact wrapped in shame, hidden in the dark, a terrible secret silently burning away at my self-esteem. I’ll shout it to the world, expose it and thereby allow it to leave my possession. It doesn’t belong to me any more.
I know better now. I deserve attention. I deserve compassion. I deserve a safe place. I deserve people’s time. I deserve love. I’m not weak or broken in my need for these things. I am human. We all need love and it’s absolutely okay to express that.
More posts about childhood trauma
