There’s a lot of info out there on toxicity in friendships and the warning signs to look out for. However, I’ve been thinking lately, what is it that makes a good friend?
I went out for lunch with a friend the other day and we got into a pretty deep conversation about how all the spiritual work I’ve been doing over the last few years has completely changed my life. I was explaining how much happier I am now and she wanted to know what it is that has changed exactly and how.
What changed?
T/W: Self-harm and suicide are mentioned in this section.
Skip forward to what makes a good friend?
Me 3.5 years ago.
I used to feel I had this dark shameful part of me that was buried deep within. I was terrified of it. I thought it was proof I was a bad person. It held all my flaws, my imperfections, my fears and my failings. My normal human shortcomings weren’t like everyone else’s. Mine felt much worse. If I let anyone too close and they saw this dark part of me, I feared they would see me for the abomination of a human that I thought I was and, quite understandably, run a mile.
I can see now that this fear and shame deep inside me, kept me very cautious and limited in the way I lived my life. My inner critic berated me constantly and prevented me from knowing and acknowledging who I really was and what I really wanted and believed in. My efforts went more into focusing on being the person I thought other people thought I should be. I bet I am not the only one who has lived their life like this either. We all care to some degree what other people think. It’s bullshit to pretend we don’t. We’re social creatures and “fitting in” is important to many of us.
The dark place
I would sometimes go to a dark place and self-sabotage. This for me often involved drinking far too much, but it also manifested in occasional self-harm. I would also regularly think about suicide. The harming for me was about self-punishment. The suicidal thoughts were just anguish I think. I didn’t actually want to die, I just didn’t want to be miserable anymore.
I felt like this my whole life, since my teens. I never spoke to anyone about it, because I didn’t want to be judged, looked down on, or worse have those options taken away. I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone else, but for me it felt empowering to have the freedom to always be able to choose to do what I wanted, if and when I decided to. If I spoke about it and made my family aware, I knew that would hurt and worry them immensely and then I’d have to stop, to protect them from that hurt. I didn’t want to do that. So I hid it.
How I feel now
I no longer think about harming myself and in fact I haven’t for over 18 months. I also embrace life and do not want to end my precious one early. This is why I can now talk about it. Protecting my options is no longer necessary to me.
I’ll admit, It’s extremely difficult to talk about this. To be honest I feel somewhat embarrassed about it. It makes me feel weak and flawed, and I wonder if maybe people will judge me. The thing is though, I know that other people struggle with dark thoughts. I’m definitely not alone with this. Yet, it’s so hard to share them. It feels almost like a taboo topic. I’ve decided to write honestly here, because I would hope for anyone who has ever felt like me to know that they aren’t alone. It’s most definitely not crazy or flawed to have dark thoughts. And the amazing thing is, it can get better!
Coping any way you can
In my case, I read about c-PTSD and discovered that my feelings and reactions were completely normal. It was so validating. As a child, I was struggling to cope with an extremely stressful situation and so my brain did what it could to protect me. It made up stories to try and give me a sense of control over my own life (the self-blame that I talked about in my previous blog post, for example) and I learned coping techniques, which for me were things like shutting down emotionally, avoiding intimacy and using alcohol to self-medicate.
How did it all change?
Basically I made the decision that I no longer wanted to live in a place of fear. At the time I didn’t understand half of what I do now. I simply sought out guidance and community because I wanted more confidence playing the piano. It worked. My confidence playing has grown a lot, for sure. What I wasn’t expecting, however, was to be quitting jobs, changing my career focus, shifting old beliefs, booking a trip to Norway with my eldest child, writing this blog, self-publishing a book I wrote over ten years ago and coming out!!
Friendship
In my opinion, one of the most positive influential factors in all my personal growth over the last few years, has been the amazing friends I am so, so blessed to have in my life. I truly believe I wouldn’t be where I am today without them.
And this got me thinking about friendship in general. What is it exactly that makes a good friend?
What makes a good friend?
I think friendship is about connection and feeling seen and heard. I feel accepted for who I am by my friends. I can talk to them about absolutely anything and I do. And this is key. Relationships require vulnerability to be taken to the next level.
I watched a really good TEDx talk on “Frientimacy” by Shasta Nelson. She talks about the three things that she believes are necessary to build a healthy friendship. They are positivity, consistency and vulnerability.
Positivity
The simplest way to check if a friendship is working for you or not is to ask yourself how you feel when you are with your friends. Is it fun? Do you come away from meet ups or interactions feeling happy and positive and loved? Do you look forward to spending time with your friend? Do you smile and laugh together? Do you feel joy and connection?
Of course life happens and we go through hard stuff. I’ve cried in my friend`s arms on more than one occasion. But I’m talking overall here. Is the friendship generally a happy and positive one, or is it consistently negative, characterized by moaning and bitterness and criticism?
We sign up for friendship because we want to feel good. We want kindness and empathy. We want more positivity than negativity. It’s okay and important to be able to vent in a safe place, but it’s not healthy to be constantly doing so.
Consistency
This is basically the time and effort you put into the friendship. How often do you talk to each other or meet up? It’s getting to really know each other, building memories together and learning to predict each other. It’s from this that trust grows and we learn to feel safe with that person.
Consistency is easier when it is provided automatically for you by an outside force. This is why it is easier to make friends at school or at work or at a church. Putting the time in is essential for building friendships.
Vulnerability
Vulnerability is what really makes the difference. Sharing and letting people in is vital for connection. It’s being able to tell your friends how you feel and ask for what you need. And this is where I used to struggle.
Shasta Nelson talks about something that happened with her friends that I can relate to very much. They were going around the group, asking each person to give a little update on what had been going on in their life. Before they got to her, the conversation got side-tracked, time sped by and before they knew it, it was time to leave. Shasta got into her car at the end feeling upset because none of her friends had asked her about her news. She felt unseen and uncared about.
Speaking up
Something similar has definitely happened to me before. I’ve told myself that people don’t care about me because of it. The thing is though, Shasta makes an extremely good point. If I had told my friends I was feeling passed over and unheard, then how would they have reacted? Of course they would have apologised and listened and everything would have been fine. I would have left feeling connected and valued.
The thing that makes it complicated though, is that has not been my experience in the past. Speaking up at home and telling my father that I felt ignored would likely have resulted in an angry reaction, especially if he felt he was being criticised. In fact he was thoroughly unpredictable, so I never really knew what to expect, but it definitely wouldn’t have resulted in him reflecting on the situation and acknowledging my feelings.
No boundaries
I never learned boundaries and how to speak up for what I deserve in relationships. Whenever I felt hurt or needed something, I remained silent to keep the peace. I think on some level I believed if I spoke up, then I would lose my friend. I was desperate for connection, but the deepest parts of me believed I didn’t deserve it. Potentially pushing away those who were actually willing to put up with me was not something I could risk. It was way too triggering.
So I was trapped in a place of loneliness, where I had friends, but yet I still felt unseen, because I was unable to speak out and tell them what I was really feeling or desiring. And this wasn’t even their fault. Most people are well intentioned and don’t set out to deliberately hurt others.
Learning to be vulnerable
Signing up for a course that encouraged and gave consistent space for every participant to open up and be vulnerable turned out to be just what I needed. It was the first time in my life I had done this and I think this was true for many others on the course too. We encouraged each other with each courageous step we took forward.
It is from that initial course that I took over three years ago now, that I made some of the deepest friendships I have ever had in my life. We had everything Shasta outlined in her talk.
Positivity – we were all there with a purpose and a desire to support and lift each other up, taking part in discussions and activities that we all believed in.
Consistency – we all showed up, often two or three times a week to events. We spent time together, listening to each other, getting to know each other. We continued to take more courses after the initial one. We met up privately on zoom. We put the time and effort in and learned to trust each other.
Vulnerability – I believe we fast tracked on this one, due to the nature of the course. We opened up about our deepest fears and future dreams and past experiences. It brought us together in a way unlike anything I’d ever experienced before.
Friendship and connection
I think this has been the real key to my growth and healing. Having people in my life who see me, hear me, listen to me, respect my opinion, lean on me, ask me for advice, share with me, smile with me, cry with me, experience life with me and who can tell me when I’m being a douche, it has been everything. I learned to open up and speak my truth. I’ve learned to trust and believe in myself. I know I have people I can turn to and lean on any time, for any reason, and I am proud to do the same for them.
I think embracing my vulnerability has saved me from what could have been a very different future. I feel connected to myself and the world in a way that I never imagined. I feel like a completely different person.
I feel happy.
And I thank my friends for it, from the bottom of my heart.
