It’s all in how you begin
I opened my piano music to the right page, placed my hands in position over the keys and took a deep breath to calm my nerves. I counted the beat in my head and then I began. I had barely played the first chord when my teacher immediately stopped me. Wondering what on earth I could possibly have done wrong already, I turned to her questioningly and she explained.
Awareness
Do you know that feeling, where for a brief moment your body tenses before you do something? If I exaggerated a little, I could liken it to how you pull back the string on a bow, before you release the arrow. Well that was what I was doing before I started to play. It was a visible tensing of my body and a very slight raising of my arms and fingers before I pressed the first notes.
In piano, muscle tension, and the way that you press the keys, vastly affect the tone. To my teacher, it sounded too abrupt and sharp. The piece is supposed to be a quiet and gentle adagio (Beethoven Sonata Op13, Pathetique, 2nd movt). It shouldn’t begin with a jolt, however slight. In addition, tensing up before playing can also throw you very slightly off time.
Deeper reflection
As I considered her observation and recognised how the tension felt in my body, I suddenly realised that this doesn’t just affect how I start playing a piece of music. In fact, it applies to everything in my life. I briefly tense up before starting most things, whether that is sending an email, switching the car engine on, beginning a lesson, calling a friend, reaching for a cup of coffee, or standing up from a chair. It’s sometimes really subtle. I don’t think I would even have noticed if I hadn’t had this pointed out to me at the piano.
Anxiety
I have always felt anxiety and tension in my body. I thought it was just my personality, that I am just a naturally shy and nervous person and there wasn’t really anything much I could do about it. It’s so normal to me, that I don’t even notice it half of the time. Other people do though, not least my piano teacher and my physical therapist.
After reading a little about trauma and the way it can be held in your body, I now think some of it may be a result of the way I grew up, basically walking on eggshells. Since I spent my whole childhood constantly anticipating the unpredictable, desperate to avoid an explosive reaction, but at the same time constantly prepared for one, then it’s probably no wonder I feel tense all of the time.
However, it’s all very well to understand this, but how can I change it?
Poise
I think it’s a case of retraining my body to relax more and learning to move with more deliberate intention and purpose. I think it’s a beautiful state of being to slide smoothly into action rather than jerking nervously into it. The word poise comes to mind. If you look up its synonyms, you’ll come across “calmness”, “confidence”, “elegance”, “grace” and “self-assurance”. These are all things I aspire to, in both my playing and in the way I live my life.
So now I practice the piano with this in mind. What better way to learn life lessons, through doing something I love?
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