The guilt trip as a way of life.
I was taught from a very young age that when you want an unwilling participant to do something for you, you would never do anything as silly as to make a direct request. Nope, you use a guilt trip. You appeal to their compassion and sense of responsibility. Even better if they can be persuaded it’s also for their own good. Not doing it would, of course, make them feel lowlier than a piece of dog turd squished onto the bottom of your shoe.
Poor Mum
Take the mightily frustrating situation where you have just cooked a meal and can’t be arsed to clean up after yourself. Vegging in front of the TV sounds like a much better plan, right? So, you ingeniously decide you’ll get one of your daughters to do your dishes for you. However, they’re busy doing homework and you have the feeling they probably won’t be very receptive to this idea. (Even more so since you’ve spilled cooking fat onto the counter, near obliterated the inside of the frying pan and trodden food onto the floor.)
The problem with asking them nicely, is it could quite feasibly result in them saying no. Now we don’t want that. You’re willing to get into a good argument as much as the next man, but why exert more effort than absolutely necessary when a good guilt trip will do the trick? It’s surely much better to lament about how hard their poor mother has been working all day and how she deserves better than to come home to such a terrible mess and appeal to their compassion for her. How could they possibly say no then?
A meal out
It’s an exciting evening. We’re all getting dressed up. Mum has even styled her hair and put some perfume on. Why you ask? Well, we’re going out for a meal!
The mood is light as we enter the restaurant and are shown to our table. We reach for the menu and begin to peruse the choices. My eyes immediately fall onto the two-for-one meal deal offer. I’d been trained years ago to pick out one of the cheapest things. It was par for the course when menu browsing. Unfortunately though, nothing really appealed. So, with baited breath, I decided to risk it.
“Can I have a lasagna?”
On thin ice
The table suddenly goes awkwardly silent as we all wait to see how he’ll react to my audacious request. Was I on a a suicide mission?
“Can’t you choose something off the two-for-one?” he appeals reasonably.
“There’s nothing I like.” I say, without even thinking. My sister glares at me. I had missed my chance to disengage and retreat. My, I’m on fire this evening. What on earth is wrong with me?
Then, to everyone’s surprise.
“Okay,” he says calmly.
Wait, what? Did I hear that right? He said okay? He didn’t blow his top? Wow tonight is now officially going to be the best meal out ever!
Guilt Trip
Then he continues.
“But… if you leave a single bite, you’re going to be in big trouble.”
My gut clenches. Big trouble? Nope, I do not like the sound of that at all.
“I won’t” I declare somewhat cockily, However, I’m very aware that it’s mere bravado.
The portions are huge here, what if I actually can’t eat it all? What’s going to happen then?
“Do you know how much it costs to take a family of four out for a meal?” he then asks irritably.
I don’t really know, but it sounds like it must be an awful lot. My mind wanders to images of us ending up homeless and starving, as a result of our shortsighted extravagance that evening.
Damn, why hadn’t I picked something cheaper?
Backtrack
“You know, I think I’ll be fine with the sausage and chips off the two-for-one,” I say, forcing what I hope is a mitigating smile.
Maybe I can still salvage this and prevent our family from falling into destitution and eternal misery?
“Oh no. It’s too late now, ” he smirks. “You wanted lasagna. You’re having lasagna.”
I know without a doubt he fully expects me not to be able to eat it all and he is going to enjoy watching me fail.
My stomach is in knots. Suddenly my appetite has completely gone.
Disgraced
Later, we drive home in silence, listening guiltily as he tells us how much money he has wasted on us again. It wasn’t just the meal, it was the petrol getting there, the extra drink he needed to cope and generally the whole inconvenience of it all. I was now in disgrace. In the end I had been so nervous, I had barely managed to finish half of the lasagna. I vowed to myself that next time I would just pick something cheaper.
Why had I been so greedy and ungrateful?
Guilt and Shame
Manipulation through the use of deliberate guilt trips can invoke very strong feelings of guilt and shame in the victim. It is deliberately designed that way, so that you will comply with the manipulator’s wishes.
Even now, almost twenty years after leaving home for good I struggle to separate my own desires and feelings from the guilt that descends on me when I want to make choices purely for me. I’ve even felt guilt for partaking in activities I enjoy as much as I do my piano. It’s also part of the reason I put writing on the back burner for so long. I was taught that doing things for myself was selfish.
We all deserve to embrace our passions and desires. And we all deserve the option to say no without feeling guilty, when something isn’t right for us.
For more on my childhood: Living in Fear: 6 behaviors that made life unbearable
