2nd March 2021
Today I’ve reached day five of not drinking. Admittedly, I wobbled yesterday and almost put a bottle of wine in the fridge. I felt upset and stressed and drinking to numb uncomfortable feelings has always been how I’ve handled life. I battled hard with the voice in my head telling me to just do it: go on, have a bottle, one more won’t hurt. In fact, a very compelling argument I came up with, was that I should drink all the remaining wine I have in the house first and then quit.
It was a real dilemma, but I decided to have a non-alcoholic beer and leave my decision until after that. Luckily the beer, a brand I had never actually tried before, tasted pretty awful and it completely put me off the idea of having a “real” drink. Success!! (Of sorts!)
I must admit though, I felt proud of myself when I went to bed sober, knowing how close I had come.
Self-reflection
I don’t intend this blog to be all about my decision to quit drinking. My passions are for life, writing, spirituality, music, travel and healing. However, I can’t embrace these topics authentically without honestly facing my relationship with alcohol first.
I have been drinking for 23 years. That is over half of my life! Drinking has been a huge part of my identity as an adult. I’m the “fun” one who gets silly and makes people laugh and does crazy things. I talk openly about things I would less likely talk about while sober. I readily hug my friends, talk about and show my feelings, even flirt (on occasion, lol). It mimics the intimacy I crave. But I don’t feel the drunk me is the real me. So that leads me to ask, who am I then? I am not sure if for much of my life I’ve truly known.
The real me?
I am naturally shy. It takes me a long time to get comfortable with people and open up to them. I don’t talk about myself easily. I’ve hidden my deepest thoughts and feelings for much of my life. I believe a lot of it comes from a childhood where I was not allowed to express myself and any show of emotion was either ridiculed or taken and used against me. My reaction was to bury everything. So, as I grew older the taunts changed and I was told I was cold and unemotional.
But that is so far from the truth. I am passionate, deeply empathic, sensitive and extremely creative. Other people’s stories affect me greatly. I always look for the reasons behind people’s behaviour and harsh words and maybe that leads to me being “too” forgiving and sacrificing part of myself sometimes. I’ve always expressed my emotions indirectly, through my music, composing and writing. I am so thankful for having those outlets.
The new me
From now on though, things are going to be different. I am not going to hide behind the drink any more. It’s time for me to be unashamedly me without it. I am going to write about the things I feel passionate about, not the things I think others might expect or want from me. No one can please everyone anyway, and if someone isn’t enamoured by my choice of topic or style, they have the choice to scroll on by. That is no reflection on me. People just like different things and there is nothing wrong with that.
I will no longer allow the opinions of others to shape my opinion of myself. I am going to stand tall; confident in my own creativity, truth and authenticity.