Speaking out is the right thing to do

Angry and hurt

Speaking out doesn’t always result in the reaction you hoped for.

It’s easy to lash out then when you feel hurt and betrayed. That’s where I am emotionally right now. Part of me wants to hit back at anyone or anything I perceive to have wounded me. I want all my friends to stand up and support me and walk away with me, tell me I’m doing the right thing, that they understand and that they fully agree with my position.

But focusing on the details and lashing out about how I feel wronged, silenced and pushed out is not going to change anything about a situation that hurts my heart. Nor will it ultimately make me feel better.

I choose integrity

I’m sure releasing my pent up disappointment, anger and sorrow would feel good in the moment. Maybe it would even be understandable. But I know that later I would regret it. I have always tried to remain kind, open, approachable and fair when taking part in conversations around inclusivity. So I choose integrity, for I strongly believe in the importance of my message. That is more important than my bruised ego. So, instead, I’ve decided to write what I want to say here in my blog and then let it go. Whether or not people choose to listen is outside of my control.

Speaking out

It’s been a hard week. I decided not only that speaking out was the right thing to do, but ultimately so was stepping away. In the process I have damaged friendships and lost a support system that was hugely important to me. But I couldn’t stay silent any longer. By looking the other way and playing nice for the sake of perceived group harmony and a quiet life, I knew I would be continuing to play a role in enabling and condoning something that I want no part of.

Changed perspective

My perspective has shifted so much. Coming out has really opened my eyes to so much that I never saw before. It was shocking learning that the whole culture of an organisation can lead to the oppression of minorities, regardless of intentions. Seeing how harmless jokes and comments, wrapped in the absolute best of intentions, made by otherwise caring and supportive people can cause inadvertent but very real hurt was eye-opening. I realise many people are genuinely unaware of certain minority issues. This isn’t because they are uncaring or anti-inclusivity, but mostly, I think, because these aren’t issues that directly affect them. People fight different fights and none of us have the energy to fight everything. I understand that. But this is mine.

Erasure of nonbinary people

It absolutely breaks my heart seeing the treatment of nonbinary members in some largely female communities. “Binary” basically means “relating or consisting of two”. It describes the mainstream construct that many societies are based on that there are two genders; man and woman. A nonbinary person is neither. Yet they live in a binary world, where our language, biases and expectations are all based on the assumption that they are either a woman or a man. Depending on those assumptions, they will be welcomed into certain communities, which claim to be open and accepting of all.

But have you read the things being said and written perpetually in many of these self-proclaimed inclusive groups online? Many people probably haven’t, because they are busy or because it simply isn’t on their radar. I am telling you it is taking place. I am not lying or exaggerating. This is the truth. This is why I have spoken out about this before and why I am writing now.

Speaking out is hard

Speaking out about this is hard. In my personal experience I’ve found people to be extremely defensive and reactionary when I do. It doesn’t matter how much time and effort I put into wording things as kindly and respectfully as I can. Aggressive responses by those who perceive it as criticism immediately take the focus away from the original message. Attention quickly goes onto the perceived “fighting” that is now apparently taking place. Conflict averse group members dismiss the conversation as “drama”, those bringing things up are labelled as troublemakers and the issues fail to be addressed. I’ve been accused of being “just as bad” (if not worse) as the people aggressively and often unkindly trying to dismiss my concerns with insults and sarcasm.

Excluded constantly

It’s frustrating and extremely upsetting to see dear nonbinary friends hurting when they are continually subjected to casual greetings such as “hi ladies” in posts or emails addressing the whole group; a group that they have been told they are welcome to be in and are equally a part of. Have you ever had to read opinions where fellow members feel it is appropriate to argue over your identity and question your legitimacy to be in the group? They have. Can you imagine how that must feel?

How alienating, how devastating must it be, to see people you thought were your friends saying nothing to those who have spoken out against your presence and identity, because “everyone has a right to an opinion”? And when someone calmly and laboriously does speak out in support, you and they are accused of picking arguments, being aggressive, basically making a big fuss about nothing and told that the way you are going about it is all wrong.

It’s wrong

No, what is wrong is constantly having to deal with the devastating hit it takes on your self-esteem to be misgendered multiple times daily. I try to imagine how I would feel if everywhere I went, I was referred to as a man, just because I cut my hair short or something. I may laugh it off if it happened once or twice, but if it happened continually? It would hurt. I would start to question my femininity, my appearance, my whole being. It’s horrible and it’s not fair.

Women

One of the arguments I’ve seen thrown out when asking for more inclusive language is that this request erases women. Yet, no one supporting the use of inclusive language has ever said people need to stop referring to themselves as women. That is a terrible misunderstanding. The point is precisely the opposite; that identity is precious and paramount to your whole being and self-esteem. If you are a woman, you are a woman. I say please use that word proudly to refer to yourself and other women. With that in mind though, it is important to recognize that in many communities there are members who are not women and by calling them so you are excluding and hurting them.

Excluded

Exclusion in my experience makes me feel alienated, unseen, and unwanted. It hurts. I suspect we all know from personal experience that tiny little cuts on top of an already deep and painful wound can hurt so much more. None of us who haven’t been misgendered can even begin to understand the wound of someone who is. Doesn’t it break your heart to even partly imagine how it must feel and especially in a group of friends? I have tears rolling down my face right now as I write this.

To be honest I think if a group doesn’t see how hurtful and wrong this is, they should be honest. They should state clearly that nonbinary folk are unwelcome. They shouldn’t lie about it and pretend to be accepting and continue to pile onto a lifetime of hurt and erasure. Oh but wait. Wouldn’t that be discrimination?

How do you bring issues up?

A big problem as far as I see it, is that when there is a concern, many times members of groups remain silent because they cannot handle the emotional turmoil, defensiveness and perceived or actual fighting that ensues if they speak out. I would say there is a general tendency towards avoiding conflict and drama. People focus on ending the immediate dispute and moving on to happier topics. The problem with that is that the issues remain unsolved. I have been advised by friends many times to just let things go, to remember that people have different opinions and that I should just stick with those I see more eye to eye with. But it isn’t enough. This isn’t a discussion akin to whether pineapple on pizza is okay or not. This is about group tolerated (so effectively condoned) erasure of a person’s identity.

Community guidelines

After coming out, I naturally found myself becoming closer with other LGBTQIA+ people I have met through various groups online. These women and nonbinary folk understood my journey on a very personal level, as they have gone through similar (yet also very different) journeys of self-discovery. Within the LGBTQIA+ communities I have come to be involved in, I have found there is, in general, a very strong emphasis on acceptance of all, whether we “get” it or not.

There are distinct and steadfast codes of conduct in online groups. Communities and moderation teams work very hard to promote a positive atmosphere with a no-nonsense approach to any breaches that might erase or hurt members. It just isn’t tolerated. It most certainly isn’t argued about. I believe this to be the case in other minority communities too. There is a huge difference between how things are run in a deliberately diversity and inclusivity minded community than in one that is not.

I believe that many non specifically LGBTQIA+ groups and organisations could benefit from stronger community guidelines and more resources in place to support members who do not tick all the boxes of the privileged majority. I’d maybe even suggest to group leaders that they consider bringing in outside help from someone or an entity experienced with diversity and inclusivity issues to help create a code of conduct and set standards of behaviour, not to “police members,” but rather to make sure everyone is included fairly. Members should not be ending their days in tears, but rather going to bed happy, knowing that their community has their back, that everyone is in it together, despite their differences.