A humorous take on life’s big questions. Disclaimer: this whole article is in jest. Absolutely nothing should be taken seriously.
Why do printers really jam?
Did you know that printer companies have a special device installed in them which can detect the level of importance of a printing task? If something is deemed particularly urgent, an unexplained paper jam will be triggered. You will likely be able to remove the paper fairly easily. However, the printer will then go into a prolonged pause mode while it pretends to be dealing with the traumatic event.
What is the best thing to say to a parent of baby twins?
Start with the classic ice-breaker and first confirm if they are actually twins. (I mean some babies and toddlers can be similarly sized, so it’s easy to mix this up.) Follow this with an imaginative observation such as, “wow, double trouble!” or “you’ve got your hands full there!” The next thing to do is to check their appearance. If they are clearly opposite genders, then move straight to “Are they identical?” Now you’ve established rapport and really built a close relationship with the parent, proceed to asking if they were conceived naturally or with infertility treatments. Next, it’s time for some helpful encouragement. You could assure them you understand how difficult it is because you have two second cousins close in age too. Finally, share your deep concern about them not getting as much individual attention as a single baby would and then you’re done.
How do you use a toilet properly?
As soon as you enter, check the status of the lid. Make sure you leave it in the exact opposite position you found it in. (If this means it needs to be up, you may as well raise the seat too.) Next, try to use as much toilet paper as you possibly can. When the roll comes to the end though, it is extremely important to leave just one sheet. If you don’t, then you’ll have to make the decision whether to leave it empty or change it. If you do decide to change it, then place the empty roll in a really random place. Anywhere is good, just as long as it isn’t in the little bin placed there for that purpose. Finally, make sure you leave the light on.
Does money buy happiness?
We are told it doesn’t and that money is irrelevant because happiness is within. However, this is complete bollocks. The truth is money will pretty much buy you anything you want, in addition to all the things you actually need. You could go get a massage, hire a cleaner, take a holiday to the Bahamas, buy a fancy new mattress for your sore back, get a brand new TV and entertainment system, go to a retreat, go out with friends, send the kids to summer camp, get another pet, well pretty much anything at all. Okay, maybe money doesn’t guarantee happiness, but it certainly gives you the freedom, comfort and safety to even think about it.
Who should you follow on social media?
There is nothing more enjoyable than reading comments on things by people who preface with, “I haven’t read the post or any of the comments, but… (insert questionable opinion about completely unrelated topic.) It really adds to the conversation in a special way. These people are almost as entertaining as the vaguebooker. You`ll be thrilled by their information-heavy posts, with gems such as “Oh no!” or “Why me?” followed by sixty commenters each asking what happened, interspersed with fifty memes of puppy hugs. The best use of everyone’s time though has to be when you put up an innocent picture of a recent omelette you half ate and it erupts into a massive fight between a bunch of friends and someone you don’t even recall about antiestablishmentarianism.
Why does everything break at once?
This is a bit similar to the printer situation. The manufacturers install this special device in each appliance, which gets activated whenever anything else in the house breaks (or if you spend a large amount of money on anything.) A self-destruct button is then activated. The key concept here is to produce a high level of frustration. This will lead to an highly irritated state called “f*ck it!” It’s in this state, that when faced with an exorbitantly expensive repair option or replacement item, the customer is much more likely to just go with it, rather than face the extra annoyance of shopping around and having to deal with any more shit.
How do you start a conversation?
There are many ways to do this, but one of the best has to be: “No offense but…” This is great because it informs the person you’re talking to that you’re about to say something really shitty but that they aren’t entitled to feel insulted by any of it, because you pre-warned them. Brilliant right? Another similar one is: “Don’t take this the wrong way, but…” This time, not only are you asking them not to feel upset about anything you say, you’re also suggesting that if they do it’s their own fault, because they just don’t understand things properly.
How do you use a supermarket?
First you need to park. Supermarket carparks tend to have arrows pointing out the route, but ignore those. Also, if you can, find a spot someone else has earmarked and nip in first. Make sure you park right on one of the lines at a slight angle. Now you’re ready to go inside. At the fruit and veg section, handle and double check every single item before replacing it and getting a wrapped multipack. (Less germs) While walking round the supermarket, if you suddenly get a strong desire to check out cat memes on Facebook, try to place your cart in front of something in high demand, like milk or bread. Tut if anyone attempts to lean over you to get anything. At the tills, pick the longest line. You may as well, because you know yours will be the slowest anyway. Bring all your change. Supermarket staff love it when you pay the exact amount in the smallest denomination possible. As soon as you’ve paid, tell them you’d also like a bag. Pay for that with the biggest note you have. Finally, make sure you leave the shopping trolley in the wrong spot.
Where do all the odd socks go?
This is definitely one of life’s big questions. The thing is, socks hate being paired. It pisses them off big time. Some of them go and hide in random parts of the house. Some get eaten by your pets. Others just completely disappear. Poof. Others, after trying single life for a spell, decide that actually they do prefer being in a couple and so go and find a completely unrelated sock to partner up with. Personally I think the washing machine has a secret compartment and sucks the poor little blighters into it when they aren’t looking. (It might be useful kindling for the self-destruct sequence when the refrigerator breaks or something. )
How do you survive the pandemic?
There are many ways to do this. First, it’s important to avoid anything scientifically proven to actually prevent infection. (This includes masks and vaccinations based on decades of peer-reviewed scientific research.) Second, you need to go and buy as much toilet roll as you possibly can. This will be useful. I don’t actually know why, but just trust me on this one. Maybe you can make a great Halloween costume if you’re bored during lockdown? Who knows? Third, embrace social distancing. For example, you can do this by standing a metre apart before you go inside a crammed and unventilated tiny restaurant. Once inside you can make full use of the plastic screens by placing them between you and other family members you live with. Remove your mask to eat, drink, yell and sing. Just make sure you replace it when you silently visit the bathroom. Fourth, travel as much as possible. That trip you never took? Go now! (Governments can actually encourage this with special discounted travel campaigns.) Finally, if you start to feel feverish and develop a cough, assume it’s probably just “that bad cold going round“. and reassure yourself there’s no need to self-isolate!
Coping during the early pandemic
