I’ve done a lot of work on myself over the last few years. One of the first spiritual concepts I learned, was that of intuition versus ego. I’ve talked about this before in my blog: Taking ownership of my ego and rejecting the lies.
Ego
To summarise, ego is the voice in your head that criticizes, ridicules and erodes your confidence and resolve, stirring up fear, begging you to change tack and abandon your ideas. It can be unkind and relentless. The effect is it pulls you away from the calling of your higher self. It tells you that your dreams and goals are silly or impossible. For example, it was the voice that told me that I wasn’t good enough to become a writer and that it was a complete pipe dream, because regular people like me don’t sell books.
Maybe I’ve got ego sussed?
So, I started to learn to identify which thoughts were my ego. Before long I could recognise them and remind myself that they’re lies.
My ego is trying to stop me from stepping out of my comfort zone because it longs for safety over change. It wants things to be okay and predictable rather than the risk that something could be amazing. I mean, what if my idea is a complete flop and turns out to be absolutely awful? And here is where the worst-case scenarios all come flooding in. Things along the lines of what if I end up living under a bridge, homeless, destitute, alone forever?
I was almost starting to feel complacent about it all. I have got this. I’m not going to let my ego distract me anymore. I’m going to recognise that b*tch and tell her to shut up.
Cue my friend.
Yeah, no I don’t
I was talking about writing and publishing and I expressed my longing to maybe one day be earning enough money to make a decent living from it.
“Have you thought about being a life coach?” she said, suddenly.
“Huh???”
“You’d make a good one.”
WHAT THE F?
Ego 1: Me 0
I was completely floored. Immediately reasons why I couldn’t possibly ever be a coach started flooding my brain. Me? Stand up and speak in front of people and gain an audience and coach other people when I am still working out what I’m doing in my own life? It was nuts.
But my friend was insistent and pressed me to at least further consider it.
So I have been. I mean it’s an interesting idea. I’ve been a teacher for over twenty years. Is coaching really so different a career? It’s just a slightly different subject matter right? I’ve been standing up in front of classes and making presentations and talking about things for years. It’s what I’ve always done. It’s not quite the same as me saying, right I’m going to quit teaching and become a fence builder in the foothills of the Andes.
Further reflection
This morning I decided to pull some oracle cards on the topic. They were mind-blowingly thought-provoking. I felt compelled to journal. Without even thinking I wrote my first sentence and immediately burst into tears. Then I understood why the idea of me being a coach had triggered me so much.
Core fears
It’s a mix of two old core fears that have resided deeply within me for as long as I can remember.
- The fear of not being liked.
- The fear of not being good enough.
These underlying fears lead to my ego telling me I can’t. In this case, I can’t be a coach. I haven’t got what it takes. I’m incapable of standing up in front of people and talking authentically about things that will impact them and maybe make a difference to their lives. Moreover, my ego twists the knife by informing me smugly that people will think I’m an idiot and totally full of myself for even considering this. Who do you think you are?
My blog
Then I asked myself, what is it I am doing here, in this blog? Am I not doing exactly what I’m afraid of: standing up in front of people and talking authentically about things that will impact them and may make a difference? Okay, I am actually seated at my desk typing, but effectively I am standing before anyone who chooses to read this, speaking my truth. There’s nothing fancy or embellished here. These are raw thoughts tumbling out. Yes, I will go back and check for basic spelling and grammar errors, but I’ve always written this blog intuitively, from my heart.
Facing my fears
In any case, regardless of my ultimate career path, it looks like I have more work to do around my core fears. I think about what I would say to a friend or to my children, if they came to me upset and full of self-doubt. It’s actually much easier to come up with kind and compassionate encouragement when it isn’t for me. I guess it’s a case of repeating it consistently enough until it shifts my beliefs.
Belief 1: I won’t be liked
Why does it even matter what random strangers think? I have amazing friends and family who know me and like me for who I am. No one is ever going to be liked by everyone anyway, because we’re all so different. The people who are aligned with me, my personality and the things I have to say will like me and anyone else can go and find people that align with them. Just because someone doesn’t like me, it doesn’t mean I’m not likeable. It just means we aren’t a good match. I would never want to pretend to be something I’m not, just to get people to like me.
The people who matter won’t be standing on the side-lines laughing at me, they’ll be supporting me and maybe even inspired to ask themselves what their dreams are and reach for those. Of course I will be standing beside them too as they face their own fears and doubts, reminding them that they are loved and that they can do anything they set their minds to.
Belief 2: I’m not good enough
We are all good enough, purely for the simple fact that we are on this earth. We are deserve to exist. The perfect coach, teacher guide or friend simply does not exist. We all have our own strengths and we all have flaws. We can all learn. All of us have to start somewhere. I’m a more experienced teacher now than I was when I started out 20 years ago. Of course, I have grown and shifted and improved and I will always continue to do so. Nobody starts anything as an expert.
I possess many of the qualities that I think would contribute to being a good coach. I listen, I am compassionate, I am open and accepting, I have way stronger boundaries than I used to, I am reliable, I offer good advice, I believe in people, I am trustworthy, I am creative and artistic and I am authentic.
Another thing I have recognised and acknowledged recently is that I am actually a really good “ideas person”. I think fast, spontaneously and creatively and love finding solutions to problems. I’m great at thinking on the spot. These are definitely things that could be helpful to someone who wants to bounce ideas off with me.
Gratitude to my ego
Ultimately, I am grateful to my ego. It threw some things out at me this morning that led to tears and release – something that has always been difficult for me, to be honest. For most of my life I kept my feelings buried.
It also led to me writing this blog article. And as I write, I realise on such a deep level that this is exactly what I am meant to be doing right now and it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Writing is so healing for me. I saw a quote today in the book of one of the oracle card decks I used.
If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.
Gospel of Thomas
This resonated so deeply with me. It’s exactly why I have to write this blog and keep sharing. The secrets and shame born of my past, that had buried into my entire being, are no longer welcome within me. I aspire to be whole, connected and I embrace love, peace and acceptance.
As for my future career choices. Well, for now I’m going to just keep writing. I know and trust that things will be as they are meant to be.
More articles on healing.
The ability to heal is within us all
Living in fear: 6 behaviors that made life unbearable
The PTSD legacy: flashbacks out of the blue