Darned emotions
I often think I need to work harder on being a better person. The thing is, there are times I feel intimidated by other people’s successes. Of course I’m incredibly proud and happy for my friends when they do amazing things, but… well sometimes I honestly feel a bit… cough, ahem… envious. And the weirdest thing is, this can happen even when it’s something I am not interested in for myself at all!!! What is it with that?
It’s an awkward feeling, because I don’t think you’re supposed to feel that way. Or at least, you certainly aren’t expected to mention it. Push it down, beam an enthusiastic smile and congratulate the person profusely are the socially acceptable things to do. Meanwhile, I’m left wondering what on earth is wrong with me for feeling illogically covetous of someone else’s well-deserved happiness.
Where does this come from?
This envy at other people’s successes probably comes from my old nemeses: lack of self confidence and self esteem. I was always compared to others as a child and it felt like I had to live up to some kind of elusive standard in order to be met with approval. If I did well at something I was accepted. If I failed at something I wasn’t. I didn’t have an innate sense of worthiness that was independent of my achievements.
I don’t want to live life like a competition though. There is plenty of space for other people to do exactly what I do, be a billion times better and for me to still have a valid place being me and doing me. So how can I nurture feelings of genuine happiness for others and not let other people’s stuff affect how I feel about myself?
Envy is just part of life
Envy is basically desiring something you don’t have that someone else does. I think it has the added nuance of “not being fair”. This is because either you know or feel the thing you want is impossible for you – as in for example desiring someone else’s physical attributes, or you don’t feel worthy of it and so maybe don’t even bother working towards it.
As with all emotions, they are just part of the human experience. We all feel what we feel and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. However, what we can control is how we deal with our feelings about other people’s successes. We can challenge our negative thoughts and we can practice mindfulness and gratitude and we can stop beating ourselves up for being completely normal for wanting things we don’t have.
Below are some examples of different takes on the same situation.
Friend paints a masterpiece
Wow! That is a beautiful picture! I could never do that!
Grumpy me
Everyone is so much more talented and creative than I am. I can barely hold a paintbrush! I can’t believe I posted my blog the other day. It was so inferior and childish in comparison to the things my friends can do. Why am I sharing my stuff? I’m probably annoying people by filling up their Facebook timelines with my shit and everyone is going to mute me or unfriend me.
Rational me
I am so lucky to have such talented and creative people in my life. I love that we all have different interests and strengths and that we can all learn from each other. I’m no good at painting, but I can do other things. Sharing my writing is vulnerable and brave and if anyone is annoyed by it, they can scroll by and don’t have to read it. They may not be interested in the things I write about, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t interested in me as a person and that they don’t value me as a friend.
A friend publishes a book
Wow! They’ve published their book and I haven’t done mine yet!
Grumpy me
Theirs is so much more intelligent sounding than mine. I bet it’s way better. They`ll definitely sell more than I ever could. Everyone is going to compare theirs to mine and think I’m a joke. Maybe I should be leaving this to the talented few. What was I thinking wanting to publish books? Maybe I should stick to teaching.
Rational me
I know how much work must have gone into that book. With consistent effort I will get mine done too. It’s pretty cool that I have people in my life with similar interests. Would be fun to talk about our books and marketing strategies sometime maybe. Their book looks really good, I bet they will sell lots of copies. It’s a similar genre to mine and might be more popular, but who knows? Maybe mine will sell well too? Whatever happens though, it’s an amazing achievement for both of us.
Gorgeous holiday pics
Oh wow, that place looks so beautiful! I wish I could go.
Grumpy me
I only have two weeks off this summer and can’t go anywhere. Japan has closed its borders, plus I’m not vaccinated yet. It’s still not safe here to really travel internally and besides, that would cost a lot of money. I wish I could go somewhere beautiful and fun. How come they get to go and I don’t. It’s not fair.
Rational me
They look like they are having such fun! I can’t wait until I get vaccinated, Japan opens its borders and I can travel again. I wish I could go this year, but the good thing at least is I can save money. In the meantime, I can think of all the places I want to go and plan a trip for when it’s safe. It’s going to be so much fun and worth the wait!
Friend has bought a Chevrolet Corvette
Wow! Nice car! I could never afford that!
Grumpy me
What an extravagance! Why do people waste money like that? What a show-off too! They’re just trying to make all the regular Joes like me jealous. I could never afford that. I’m too mediocre and not business-minded enough to be that successful. I don’t need a big fancy car anyway. It’s stupid.
Rational me
How cool that they bought something they really like. I bet they feel amazing getting behind the wheel and knowing how hard they worked to be able to buy a car like that. Maybe if I am persistent in improving my writing, getting my name out there and saving money, I could get something I really want too. I don’t have much interest in a sport’s car, but I would love a grand piano one day.
Celebrate other people’s successes
We need to remember that love, creativity, happiness and success are not limited. There are plenty of these things for everyone. We don’t have to compete for the things we want. We just need to know that we are worthy of them. If someone has something you covet, you can either use your energy in lamenting the unfairness of it all, or you can put that energy towards working towards attaining the things you want too.
Other people’s successes can actually be a wonderful reminder that we are all deserving of good things and that anything is possible.