How alcohol became part of my life

First experiences with alcohol

My first experience of alcohol was as a child. Maybe from around the age of ten or so, I was allowed to have a little taste of wine on special occasions. I don’t remember liking it much and I drank so little I don’t think it had any real effect. However, drinking seemed a very adult thing to do and so I persevered.

My first drink in a pub was on my eighteenth birthday. I always looked really young and never wore makeup, so I hadn’t participated in much underage drinking, unlike many of my peers. It was a huge moment when the staff asked me for my ID and I proudly showed it to them for the first time.

I only intended to have one, maybe two drinks for I had no desire to get drunk. I didn’t really know what it was like, but I definitely feared the idea of losing control. My friends, however, decided that I couldn’t possibly not get drunk on my eighteenth and so while I was in the toilet, my drink was spiked.

Being drunk was fun. I felt more confident, funnier, more part of things and less on the periphery. It was a giddy feeling. But the best thing was the numbness. I found myself forgetting stuff that had been going on at home and just being in that moment with my friends. I felt seen and happy for the first time.

False Intimacy

Not having much self-confidence, I was nervous in groups, shy with new people, very self-critical and often in my own fantasy world to be honest. When I drank, these feelings were dulled and I became a different person. I could be more outspoken, louder, more expressive. It was easier to hug my friends, talk to new people and lead the conversation. I felt braver, stronger and more connected to people when I was drunk. These were the feelings I focused on, not the throwing up after downing too many shots, or falling over and badly spraining my ankle, or getting thrown out of a bar for taking my bar stool to the toilet with me. (Guess I really wanted to save my seat!).

It was the moments walking home arm in arm with a good friend, laughing, reminiscing about crazy nights out, talking about every topic under the sun, being open and honest and vulnerable and connecting that I craved.

Drinking to soothe stress

I am not sure exactly when I started drinking regularly to relax and combat stress. However, I know for many years it was only a social crutch for me. I never drank on my own as a student, only with friends. For some reason drinking alone felt like a taboo in my head. I suppose there was also the added factor that it wasn’t cheap. It was when I got older and had regular income that it changed and drinking alone didn’t seem weird any more.

At some point it became my go-to for everything: a celebration, bad news, a long day at work, a regular day at work, a day-off, flying, riding a train, waiting at a bus station, a weekend lunch out, dinner, even just plain boredom. Basically anything could now warrant a drink. The number of days I drank were more than those I didn’t. It was also rare that I would stop at just one. I never admitted it, but alcohol had me in her clutches. I was like the hapless insect that has flown into a pitcher plant to feast on the sweet nectar; not seeing how the further I descended, the lower my chances of being able to fly back out were.

Awakening

Two years ago I was frustrated with myself. One of my biggest passions in life is piano. I was self-taught as a child and started lessons as an adult, after my children started learning with a teacher. The problem was I had terrible performance anxiety. My hands would shake and I would panic to the extent that my mind would go blank and I’d forget memorized music or my eyes would lose my spot if I was reading the score. My fingers would slip over the notes and I’d make silly mistakes, even completely stop. Whenever I performed my self-criticism would kick in and tell me how awful I sounded. However, it wouldn’t just stop there. It would continue on to denigrate my whole character and very existence.

Desperate to change this so I could be truly me while playing in front of others, I signed up for an online course called “Loving You” created by a close friend, who runs an intuitive life guide business.

It changed my life.

Learning and Growing

I began to look at my life. I quickly realized that my piano performance anxiety was part of a much deeper picture. My lack of confidence stemmed from a core lack of worthiness and self-belief that came from a childhood of constant criticism and walking on eggshells. I had no idea who I really was. Alcohol was masking the symptoms. It was never going to fix the cause. I needed to look at everything, my childhood, my beliefs, my struggles, my triumphs, my friendships, my dreams, my goals, all of it.

In that group, I told my story for the first time. I was met with understanding, compassion and love. It was a true gift. For the first time I could show my authentic self. I made friendships and connections with women on the course which were unlike anything I had experienced before. We shared moments of vulnerability, truth and authenticity that connected us so much more deeply than sharing a bottle of wine ever could. Their support and acceptance gave me the strength to look at my life.

I questioned my work schedule and made changes and started doing things I never would have done before. I made a Facebook group for English learners and went LIVE in it. Later I opened a piano group for my family and friends and shared my music. I even played for an expat group here in Japan. Then I started writing again. And finally I was able to be honest with myself about my unhealthy reliance on alcohol.

Looking forward

I’m excited. I’ve realized over the past couple of years that time is precious and my life is mine to live, nobody else’s. I get to choose what I want to do with it. There is no shame in doing something I feel passionate about and even “failing” at it. The real shame is in not even trying. I may never end up being a successful writer, but what does that matter, if I am enjoying what I do and respecting my own creativity and authenticity? Never again do I want to stop myself from doing something because I am worrying about what other people may think.

Today is two weeks since I renounced alcohol and I am happier than ever with my decision. I feel like I have started the second chapter of my life and that fills me with joy and anticipation. I cannot wait to see what is next.

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