Confession
I’ve been avoiding my blog. There is something I need to admit, that I don’t want to, but I cannot in all conscious write about any of the things I actually want to write about, without being completely upfront and truthful. So, it’s time to make the confession: I fell off the wagon.
Fear of judgment
OK, so if this were a friend making this confession, I wouldn’t judge. I would tell them they’re only human, that they did an amazing job being sober for 8.5 weeks, that a slip up is not a big deal.
They say your harshest critic is yourself. Well maybe that is true.
Reasons
A lifetime of resorting to drinking during stressful times is a hard habit to turn around. It coincides with the new Uni term starting, which I have to admit adds a lot of pressure to my daily life. It’s more than that though. I’ve had some things happen in my personal life that have caused frustration and hurt. My mind felt like it was racing and I couldn’t switch off and relax. I longed to feel numb, something that alcohol does admittedly provide. It’s something people say is a bad thing, but I kind of like it on occasion. So I succumbed and I drank. This was at the end of April. I haven’t drunk regularly since then, but it has been on more than one occasion.
The future
I’m not sure now where I will go from here, I have to admit. Certainly, I don’t intend to continue to use alcohol as a permanent crutch. I’m determined to find better ways. However, I am also more cautious about publicly making grandiose goals that I obviously can’t keep.
I am working on various things and continually trying to implement positive changes in my life. I’ve started walking more regularly and for longer. I’m journaling regularly. I’m making sure if I do drink I set myself limits. It is different this time. I don’t feel a “need” to drink, but a desire. Maybe it’s the same thing though? Maybe I need to read that book again?
Perpetual change
Life is complicated. Two and a half months ago I was certain I never wanted to touch a drop again. Today I am not so sure. I need to look hard at this.
It was blocking me from writing though. I never ever would want to deceive anyone. So I knew I had to make this post before I could write again. I think it’s important I express myself honestly and authentically.
This is probably a disappointing post to some people.
I am glad I finally found the courage to do it though.
Oh no, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been going through. I can see why this has blocked you from writing but absolutely, under no circumstances, has anyone got the right to be disappointed. Quite the opposite. To tell people you’ve struggled, or that you’ve slipped and been drinking, takes guts. It takes courage. And you have that in spades, even though you won’t realise it. This is YOUR blog, so you write whatever you want, whenever you want. I know nothing I say can make the difficult days any easier whatsoever, but I just wanted to say I think you’ve done well writing this post. Sending gentle hugs your way. ♥♥♥♥
Caz xx
Helen, you are never a disappointment! You achieved something great and proved that you can go without alcohol. So what, if you had a drink? Did you do anything bad whilst under the influence? Did anyone get hurt? (Other than your pride?) pick yourself up, dust yourself off and, when you’re ready; if you’re ready, start all over again. We love you just the same and nothing will change that. Xxx