Things change. They always do. I’ve been feeling for a while that I need to take my blog in a new direction and find a stronger niche.
Drained
Five years ago I was completely and utterly stuck in a rut. I was working all hours, rushing from job to job, using every spare moment to practice the piano. I ended most days drained, sinking onto the sofa in front of the TV with a glass bottle of sparkling wine, waiting for the anaesthetising drug to switch me off from the reality of my life.
Looking back I recognise that piano, my work, the drinking, they were all ways to avoid the weight of my past, the pain of my second-trimester miscarriage and the fact I had a secret I had been holding inside me for years – that I am attracted to women. I had feelings of self-hatred and despair inside of me that I didn’t fully understand.
I suppose it’s easier to make yourself busy than it is to face things like that.
The trouble with numbing your pain though is that it numbs everything else too and you lose sight of who you are.
Forgotten Dreams
I’ve always loved writing. As a kid, I was constantly writing stories. I always used to say that one day I would publish a book. It’s been a lifelong dream and passion. Yet, five years ago I wasn’t writing anything at all. Then as my kids got older I watched them constantly writing like I used to and it reminded me. Where had my dream gone? Why had I let it go?
Facing the Past
I started the process of looking at my past because I was struggling with self-confidence. I recognised it as a problem when it manifested as piano performance anxiety. Initially, I was simply looking at ways to combat that. However, as I dove into the source, it opened up everything. I hadn’t even realised how much I had shut down. I was just going from day to day, surviving.
Set Beliefs
I also grew up with some firm beliefs around work that kept me on the same career path for a long time. I had spent a lot of money and time on my education – both my bachelor’s degree and later my master’s. I had committed myself to EFL (English as a foreign language) teaching and I didn’t really question that it would be my path for the rest of my life. Writing was a dream, maybe something I could have as a hobby, but most definitely not a career.
Inner Conflict
As I began to heal, I found the confidence to start opening my mind to different possibilities. I started an online English group for Japanese learners. Intending to expand to writing online courses. I also started a blog related to this. However, I found myself continually straying from my niche when writing. After two years I finally admitted that what I really wanted to do was to write about something else. The trouble was, I didn’t know exactly what. So I closed down my previous blog and began this one, telling myself I would write about whatever I felt like.
I found myself often caught between thinking I ought to be sensible and stick to the teaching and wanting to veer in a completely different direction and become a full-time novelist. Teaching is safe and realistic. Whether I’ll be able to eventually support myself financially as a novelist or not is uncertain.
Healing
I think I needed this blog. I needed it to heal. Writing about my past and my struggles and eventually getting to the point where I could “come out” publicly has been so immensely freeing. I cannot put into words what a difference it has made to my life to not hide anymore and stand up and speak my truth. It hasn’t been easy and several times I considered giving up and closing it down. But I’m glad I didn’t.
However, things change. They always do. I’m in a different place now than I was a few years ago. I don’t think I need this blog for the same purpose anymore.
New Direction
I’ve been thinking for a while now about what new direction to go in. I’ve been researching author blogs and niches and how to use a blog to promote your books. To be honest, this blog is not really very popular. I don’t have that many readers signed up to receive updates and I think mostly it’s a few of my friends and family from Facebook reading when I post on my timeline. That has never really bothered me, because I have written about a lot of personal things. It’s less overwhelming to write about your life when your audience is small and safe.
I’m sure some people are interested to know more personal details about an author they like, but I’ve spent a long time indulging in self-reflection on my past and sharing my outlook on life. I don’t think this connects so much to my fiction writing.
So I’ve been feeling for a while that I need a change in focus and a stronger niche. Ultimately, I would like to have my blog represent me more fully as a writer and novelist. I want it to be more relevant to readers and fellow writers who enjoy my books.
Change is Coming
Over the next few weeks, I will be working on completely revamping my website. I’ve already chosen a new theme and am in the process of learning what I need to do to switch over without “breaking” my site. I’ve heard it said that WordPress is a learning curve, but they have excellent articles about how to go about things, so I am confident that when I’m ready, I will be able to transition and navigate any bumps that arise.
Watch This Space
I will be bringing to you a better organised and dedicated author site, with a blog relevant to my fiction writing. I am letting go of “Life, Travel and Healing” and will be embracing a new focus, which will also be reflected in my social media pages.
It’s hard to let things go, especially when you’ve put a lot of time and effort into something. Fear of failure and fear of judgment are very real. Pivoting is not a failure though. It’s a natural part of the creative process.
I’ve always shared honestly here, so it feels right to share this too. I’m really excited about my new direction.
I can’t wait to share it with you soon.
