What are boundaries?
I have often asked this question. The answer appears simple on the surface. It’s just letting people know what is okay with you and what isn’t. But what does that actually mean? And how do I establish boundaries when I’ve been living my whole life worrying more about what others think and brushing over my own needs? I’ve come to realize the issue isn’t so much how to enforce my boundaries, it’s more about discovering what they actually are.
My personal rights
So, I started with Peter Walker’s list of the human bill of rights, guidelines for fairness and intimacy. I think reading them out aloud regularly would be a good use of time. I need these to sink into my whole being and become a part of my whole consciousness.
Guidelines for fairness and intimacy
- 1. I have the right to be treated with respect.
- 2. I have the right to say no.
- 3. I have the right to make mistakes.
- 4. I have the right to reject unsolicited advice or feedback.
- 5. I have the right to negotiate for change.
- 6. I have the right to change my mind or my plans.
- 7. I have a right to change my circumstances or course of action.
- 8. I have the right to have my own feelings, beliefs, opinions, preferences etc.
- 9. I have the right to protest sarcasm, destructive criticism, or unfair treatment.
- 10. I have a right to feel angry and to express it non-abusively.
- 11. I have a right to refuse to take responsibility for anyone else’s problems.
- 12. I have a right to refuse to take responsibility for anyone else’s bad behavior.
- 13. I have a right to feel ambivalent and to occasionally be inconsistent.
- 14. I have a right to play, waste time and not always be productive.
- 15. I have a right to occasionally be childlike and immature.
- 16. I have a right to complain about life’s unfairness and injustices.
- 17. I have a right to occasionally be irrational in safe ways.
- 18. I have a right to seek healthy and mutually supportive relationships.
- 19. I have a right to ask friends for a modicum of help and emotional support.
- 20. I have a right to complain and verbally ventilate in moderation.
- 21. I have a right to grow, evolve and prosper.
Powerful boundaries
I always feel so much stronger after reading this list. I have a right. They are such powerful words. I have a right to be treated with respect. I don’t have to accept being called names, being criticized or being spoken to with contempt and disgust. No longer am I a child, cowering to the will of a large, overpowering presence that threatened me harm should I speak out against my rights being trampled over. No longer will I hide myself away, bury my feelings and strive to say or do the right thing in order to avoid retribution. I have a right to feel the things I feel and live my life for me. I deserve compassion and patience and kindness and love.
Lies
Everything that was ever said to me, the sharp and painful words that pierced into my heart and soul, telling me that I was bad, worthless, unlovable, they were all lies. I’m not those things. But equally I’m not the other extreme either.
I`m a perfect mix of imperfection; multi-colored and multi-textured. I make mistakes. Sometimes I get upset over things and hide it. I can be a bit lazy. I miss things when I’m off in my own world and sometimes forget things that are important to someone else. Occasionally I get overwhelmed and pull back and avoid people. I can say the wrong thing in an attempt to be funny.
However… I also laugh a lot and continually seek adventure and spontaneity. I’m creative and passionate and kind. I play music, and love to write and create things. I’m a really fast thinker when put on the spot. I love my friends with all my heart and would be there fully, without question, the second I was asked. I make people laugh and cheer people up. I`m loyal and trustworthy and I listen.
I am me.
Shifting boundaries
My boundaries are shifting as I learn to dismantle the walls and let people in closer. It’s not okay with me for you to call me names, belittle me, scorn me, push me down or use me for your own needs. I have a right to feel safe and a right to be fully me. And you know what? If you don’t like it, then you have the right to step away and go and live your life in whatever way you choose.
Note: I originally wrote this on Oct 30th 2020. Edited and reposted here Apr 20th 2022
