What are feelings?
Feelings are a part of our universal human experience. Yet they can sometimes be extremely difficult to put into words. This is probably because they are highly subjective.
Definition of emotion
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), emotion is defined as:
“a complex reaction pattern, involving experiential, behavioral and physiological elements.” Emotions are how individuals deal with matters or situations they find personally significant. Emotional experiences have three components: a subjective experience, a physiological response and a behavioral or expressive response.
https://online.uwa.edu/news/emotional-psychology/
Where do emotions come from?
An emotion arises from a subjective experience. It could be something as simple as finally beating your opponent at “Words With Friends”. Or it could be as life-changing as waking up and finding out you’ve had a leg amputated and it’s now 2032.
What happens when an emotion hits?
An emotion will cause a physiological response in your body. Perhaps your heart rate will quicken somewhat if you spot a Brazilian bird-eating spider in your bunch of bananas.
It will also stimulate a behavioral response. For example, you may frown and utter a colorful expletive if someone spills wine on your favorite dress. (After all, we all hate to waste a good wine…)
What are feelings then?
Feelings are different from emotions. They result from an initial emotional experience. They are then affected by your unique memories, beliefs and experiences so far in life.
Everyone is different.
It would be a mistake to assume that another person feels exactly the same way you do in the same situation. Each person’s personality, temperament, beliefs and emotions are very different. We can only imagine how someone else feels through the lens of our own experience and assumptions. How you feel at being told you’re now in lockdown and can’t see your mother for 18 months is quite possibly not the same as how someone else might.
Our brains complicate things
I recently read something fascinating. It said feelings of irritability are in fact rarely a result of someone doing something to annoy you. Rather they are a reflection of a physiological discomfort that is decreasing your tolerance!
Basically you feel an emotion and then the brain looks for reasons for this feeling. This is because that’s the way it’s programmed to make sense of the world. So, you may easily blame your irritability on something your partner (or someone else) has done. However, the reality is, there is a good chance it’s something else that you can actually address by tending to your physical needs.
My feelings are mine
So as an extrapolation of this I have been sitting with the idea that no one has the power to make me feel anything. I alone am responsible for my own feelings and emotional interpretations of events. Everyone internalizes things differently.
I am going to try and be more conscious about not making automatic assumptions about other people’s emotions based on how I feel or think I would feel in their situation. It’s probably better to ask them rather than guess.
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