How to make this month matter and change your life

Do you start each new month determined that this will be THE one where you change your life?

Do you write a list of goals, promising yourself you’ll exercise more, eat better, start writing your book, save more money, grow your business and increase your social media content, etc, whatever it may be?

Does it start off brilliantly, but then you end up disappointed halfway through the month when your motivation fizzles out? Do you vow to do it next month instead?

If this is you, I don’t think you’re alone at all.

Things holding you back

There are many things that can hold us back from achieving our goals.

Not Facing Reality

There are some hard truths about life that I think sometimes we tend to ignore. One of those, is that for the most part, it takes a hell of a lot of hard work to create the life you want. And it takes time.

Forget all those ridiculous articles or courses about how you can make a million dollars and change your life by signing up to the deception that things will get handed to you on a plate if you follow their magic formula. Sure, there might be exceptions. (Certainly the people selling the lie will get richer.) But personally, every single person I look up to, from classical pianists to famous writers, to friends and family who have grown their businesses or crafts through dedication and diligence, each one of them worked damn hard.

Avoiding the critics

We are a social species. We need each other to survive. Consequently it’s not “stupid” or “weak” to care about what other people think of us. Putting yourself out there is bloody terrifying. Anyone who says it isn’t is lying. (Or perhaps a sociopath.) I don’t think it’s helpful to pretend we don’t care what other people think.

In my opinion, it’s more helpful to remember that 1) critics aren’t representative of everyone and 2) negativity bias means you’ll tend to focus on the criticism more than the praise, which skews the reality. You could get fifty fantastic reviews, but your attention will probably hone in on the mediocre one you got and you’ll obsess over that. Likewise, you could get fifty shit reviews from people who just didn’t like what you did and one fantastic review from someone who loved it. Focus on that.

Sharing my writing is scary

Man In The Arena

One of my favourite motivational speeches is Brené Brown’s speech on Why Your Critics Aren’t The Ones Who Count. She talks about the famous “Man in the Arena” quote by Theodore Roosevelt and how it is the brave person actually in the situation that counts, not those sitting on the sidelines watching.

Criticism is inevitable when you put yourself and your work out there. You can either avoid it by not stepping out, or you can face it head on and give yourself the chance to expand and grow and reach for your dreams.

Thinking life owes you something

Another big problem that can seriously hold us back is the idea that we are “owed” more than the lot in life we have. It leads to negative thought patterns. Why should I work harder for less? Why is their life so easy? Their success must be because they have an unfair advantage of some sort.

This kind of thinking firmly places us into a mentality of comparison and victimhood that in my opinion easily leads to stagnation and procrastination. I mean why bother if the odds are against you? It’s a very disempowering place to be.

Life isn’t fair. We humans don’t make it fair. We have created societies that are biased towards certain attributes and in some countries roles are so extremely defined that people don’t get to make many choices over their own destiny.

But I’m assuming if you’re reading this, you do have choices. You can change your life and make it whatever you want it to be.

4 Limiting Beliefs And How To Shift Them

Fear of success, fear of failure

What scares you the most? Achieving your goal or not? Both are actually as scary as hell. The idea of being a 90-year-old on your death bed looking back with regret can be enough to spur you into action. But what about the idea of your business booming, your book becoming a bestseller and your life changing in ways you can’t even imagine now?

And what if you fail? How will that define you as a person? What if you exercise daily for three months and you end up putting on weight? How about if you publish a book and you don’t make a single sale? What if all your efforts were for nothing? What if you end up having to admit that maybe you don’t have as much control over your own life as you thought?

You know, you’re not alone in your fears, whatever they are. You’re not going to be the first person to fail, the first to feel like giving up, or the first to feel frustrated and discouraged.

The idea of feeling no fear is a complete myth. But there are things you can do to help.

Invite it in. Welcome it as a companion on your journey. Listen to it. Talk about it with a trusted friend. Know that it is normal and you are on the right path, for fear is your guide. If it isn’t scary as hell then that tells you nothing is changing.

How to change your life

What do you really want?

This is an important question to ask. Often what we believe we want is different to what we actually want. This probably means we are going to struggle to complete the goal.

For example, say you look at yourself in the mirror one day and decide you’re going to quit chocolate and get up an hour earlier to exercise? Did you create this goal because you don’t want to eat chocolate anymore and love moving your body early in the morning? I’d suggest it’s probably more about the fact that you’ve lost confidence in the way you look and you have taken on certain assumptions about what it means to diet and exercise.

Question how you achieve it

Maybe there is a different way you could achieve your actual goal, which is ultimately to feel better about your body.

Maybe you could attend a cooking class. By walking there and standing in the kitchen you would be increasing your activity levels, doing something you enjoy. You might meet like-minded people in the classes who invite you out to additional social events, further increasing your activity levels. Smiling and laughing with new friends might increase your confidence. A friend may introduce you to their hair salon and you go and get a really great haircut. You could end up feeling much better about yourself and your body and it’s from going out and doing something you enjoy, rather than from forcing yourself to do something you hate that you quit after three days and then feel shitty about.

Simplify and be realistic

Setting too many goals can easily lead to overwhelm, which then leads to procrastination and inaction. You can’t do all the things. It’s just impossible. The sooner you recognise that and start making manageable goals the better.

The other thing to recognise is that unplanned shit is always going to happen. You are going to get sick. Someone close to you might suddenly die. Netflix might suddenly put up a new season of your favourite show. You might have a fight with your partner. Your child might call you in tears and need cheering up. Out of the blue a friend may invite you away for a fun weekend. You might wake up in a shitty mood because your period came unexpectantly and now you have to wash all your bedding. Life happens. Don’t self-sabotage from the get-go by not giving yourself room and permission in your schedule to cope with unexpected events.

Reevaluate your goals constantly

Things shift and change constantly. If you suddenly realise you want to take your life in a completely different direction, that is normal and okay. If you have a goal in mind and you’re not achieving it, maybe it’s time to sit down and have an honest heart-to-heart with yourself and ask whether it’s something you really want. Maybe the reason you’re not achieving it, is that simple. You don’t want it.

If you find yourself struggling to stick to your goals, always ask yourself why. Be honest. Sometimes admitting the truth can be really hard. I struggled to quit my university position.

When I was in my twenties, I had thought a career in academia was what I wanted and it led to me completing a master`s in education. After spending all that money and time on that aspect of my career it wasn’t easy to step away. In fact it took me several years to admit I wanted something else and a couple more to actually do it and change my life.