What is “inner work” and why is it important?

Four years ago I didn’t know what inner work was. Now it’s something so important to me that I am unlikely to pursue a deep friendship with anyone who isn’t actively doing theirs.

I believe life is a constant journey of discovery. Whatever we do and however we live, we learn and grow continually. But diving into our inner world isn’t something that everyone chooses to do. And you know why? Because frankly, it’s scary as shit and oftentimes deeply painful.

Inner work is the psychological and spiritual practice of diving deep into your inner self for the purposes of self-exploration, self-understanding, healing, and spiritual transformation.

https://lonerwolf.com/inner-work/

My trauma isn’t the same as your trauma

I don’t believe there is anyone who comes through life without some kind of suffering or trauma. It’s the nature of human existence.

There are certain things that most people would categorize as highly traumatic without question: being victim to an abhorrent crime, growing up in an abusive home, experiencing domestic violence, being in a life-changing accident or living through a war or a natural disaster are some examples off the top of my head.

If you haven’t experienced something as undisputedly “traumatic” as this, perhaps you are wondering if your experiences would even count?

Don’t compare

Trauma isn’t something you can measure so easily.

How many of us have breezed through school without being called a name that secretly ripped at our insides, had a teacher tell us we aren’t living up to their personal expectations, seen a look of disappointment on a parent’s face when we’ve done something wrong, or glanced in a magazine and wished we looked different?

Regardless of the specific events, I am sure most of us have had agonising moments of heart-break and despair, when we’ve felt completely alone, misunderstood, ignored or marginalised. Our feelings count and our trauma is real. Measuring it against someone else who may have “had it worse” does nothing but diminish your own experience.

It’s also a wonderful ego excuse to not look at your life and remain exactly where you are.

How do you heal?

Our experiences in life affect everything about us: our beliefs, our self-esteem, our relationships, our careers, our mental and physical health, absolutely everything. And, from what I’ve read, it appears that our experiences before the age of around 7 play a massive part in the way our subconscious influences our perceptions as adults.

In many cases we can’t even remember the exact events that happened. Yet they remain key in influencing our inner worlds. How do you even begin to tackle that? How do you change beliefs that stem from events that you can’t even recall? How do you heal your broken parts when you don’t know exactly what they are?

What is inner work?

This is where inner work comes in. It’s about diving into all the difficult memories and feelings, facing the pain, the shame, the hurt, the fear, the anger and the sadness. It’s about confronting your wounds, your beliefs, your prejudices and the shadows buried deep within you, even if you can’t remember specifics.

It’s about taking responsibility for your life. It’s understanding all the things that influence your decision making processes and life choices. It’s empowering yourself to step bravely forward, head held high, taking your place in the world as your authentic self.

It’s about loving yourself, changing old subconscious beliefs, releasing the things that hold you back, discovering what you will and won’t accept in your life. It’s learning to say no to things that don’t serve you. It’s learning to say yes to the things that do. It’s about living your own life and creating it just how you want it to be.

Feeling inauthentic

Four years ago I was frustrated. I loved playing the piano so much. Yet when I played in front of others I would almost fall apart. My hands would shake and I’d feel so overwhelmed.

It felt to me like the piece of music I strived to perform was this huge emotion-filled rich beautiful entity and I was barely managing to present the rough outline. All the insides, all the depth was missing, lost somewhere in my fear and self-judgment.

I didn’t feel like me when I played. I was this hesitant and floundering fragment of potential. Barely any of me was coming through. I wasn’t showing my personality or the essence of who I was when I played. The way I heard the music in my head and felt the music in my heart was nothing like the reality. I was disappointed in myself. I felt inauthentic and a fraud.

Of course I wasn’t able to verbalise these thoughts in quite this way. In fact they were feelings, not words. I felt buried and hidden behind something impossibly heavy and I didn’t understand it.

So, I guess since our brains enjoy looking for order and logic, I concluded my problem was a lack of confidence. And that’s when I reached out to my friend and coach.

Was it just lack of confidence?

My very practical goal was to build up my confidence and conquer the performance nerves.

But why? Of course feeling nervous, palms sweating, hands shaking, insides in turmoil, is a horrible feeling. Who wouldn’t want to fix that? But I could easily have avoided it for the rest of my life by simply never playing in front of others again. I could have kept piano to myself, as a private hobby. Problem solved. It’s not as though I need to play the piano to survive.

So why the need to fight it? What was it really about?

Hiding away

Looking back now, I think I knew very deep down that I wanted something different for my life. I believe the true authentic me was screaming out in protest at all the false truths and beliefs that shrouded my entire perception around who I was and my purpose in the world. You see, not feeling like my real self while performing the piano was a projection of a much larger problem. I was not living authentically as myself as a whole. I wasn’t out as gay for example. I had quashed that side of me down and tucked it very tightly away.

In addition, I wasn’t embracing my creativity. I never questioned my career goals. I had a book languishing away in the depths of my computer that I was too embarrassed to show anyone because I thought it wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t attend group social events without alcohol. I couldn’t type my opinion out on a Facebook post in case I said the wrong thing and upset someone.

I believed I was insignificant and that my full presence in the world wasn’t warranted or deserved. Basically, to put it another way, I had completely dimmed my inner light.

Inner work is tough

For me even brushing close to buried emotions and memories was extremely triggering. I am not talking about shedding a few tears and having a down day here. I self-harmed in some dark moments and considered taking my life. The inner pain and turmoil was so so hard to face.

I was absolutely awful at reaching out to people during these times. I felt so stupid and weak. That only amplified my core feelings of unworthiness. I felt like inner work was all such a waste of time. Why was I doing this to myself? Surely it would be better to push it all back down and just get on with things and live the best life I could.

Wanting more

But this was the thing. Something inside me wanted more. It was like a vicious battle between my higher self begging me not to waste my precious life by just making do with “okay,” and my inner critic/ego saying: “Who the hell do you think you are? Make do with what you’ve got and be grateful you’re not worse off.”

I had no choice though. Once I started, there was no going back. I had to continue.

So where do you start with inner work?

Unfortunately I cannot answer this exactly for you. In my case it was looking at my childhood trauma related to my father. That was always the big shadow in my life that I felt influenced absolutely everything. I couldn’t even see the other issues until I started removing and shifting that one. What I would say though, is that it doesn’t actually matter. You can start absolutely anywhere you like.

I am willing to bet though, if you take a moment of deep reflection, you probably know exactly where you need to start. It’s that thing you are ignoring. That pain you want to avoid at all costs. It invokes fear and shame and it scares the shit out of you. In my opinion if you feel panicked and want to run in completely the opposite direction, then that’s how you’ll know that’s exactly what you need to look at.

Inner work is a personal journey

There is no curriculum or timeline for inner work. Every single one of us is unique, with different lived experiences. I’ve heard this work described as peeling an onion before. You take off one layer at a time. Until you remove the outer layers, you cannot even see the inner ones. Things come up that you weren’t expecting at all. Sometimes things you think are huge issues turn out to be covering up something completely different. It’s such a complex process.

If I were to offer advice, it would be to find a support system as you go through this. Of course, it is possible to work on yourself alone. However, the encouragement and acceptance of others who are on a similar journey can be hugely helpful. And, depending on the type of traumas you have experienced, I would actually go as far as to say essential.

Connection and vulnerability

Before I started my inner work I felt a strong disconnection from others. I felt like I was different, an aberration, with nothing of value to offer the world. I tried to hide my darkest parts. I thought if people saw them they would hate me and it would confirm my worst fears, that I was fundamentally and irreparably flawed. But, as I made friendships with others on their own inner journeys, I discovered that many of the things I felt were in fact not unique to me.

So much healing is possible when you open up to others and receive the validation that comes from being heard, understood and accepted. I learned to unearth and expose my shadows and in doing so, not only did I begin to release the deep shame I had held within, but I also found myself connecting with the people I shared with on a level beyond anything I had ever imagined.

When you share your inner world with people you trust and they share theirs with you, it creates a deep bond. That intimacy, trust and mutual respect is a massive source of strength to me. It’s been fundamental to my ability to gradually rewrite my inner stories and it has nurtured within me a sense of worthiness and value that had been missing my whole life.

It’s hard work, but it changes everything

I cannot tell you how much my life has changed. I was living as though curled up in a tight ball, cowering in fear, too afraid to step out and show people my whole self, too afraid to follow my dreams. Now I’m doing things I never imagined I would. Writing this blog is a perfect example. A few years ago I could never ever have imagined sharing with anyone the things I am sharing with you now. It gives me a profound sense of release to do so. I feel free.

I’m going to be publishing my first novel in the very near future and am already planning future ones. Lately I’ve also been thinking about creating an online course. I have so many projects that involve me stepping up and being seen in a way I never could have pursued before. I know that I have a purpose in this world to inspire others to reach deep inside themselves and allow their full light to shine too. I feel excited and alive and the possibilities are endless.

Instead of holding myself back with, why me, I’m nothing special, I now want to burst forth and grab life with both hands. Because why the hell not me? I’m just as capable and valuable as anyone else.

And so are you.