I don’t really believe in focusing on regrets. My attitude is that every decision you make, whether good or bad, is an essential part of your journey through life. However, just for fun, I am going to look at some decisions I would definitely make differently now. It’s kind of interesting actually to imagine just how different your life could be…
1. Violin lessons
When I was about 6 or 7 years old, I signed up at school for free violin lessons. My memory is hazy, but I remember being called into an office and being asked to clap. They wanted to check if I had basic rhythm skills. I was approved and told I could start classes. The only thing is, on the day, I completely forgot and so did my class teacher. I ended up forfeiting the opportunity. I was really upset about it, but I pretended I wasn’t.
If I could go back, I would make sure I expressed to my teacher just how important it was to me. I would make sure I got to attend those lessons.
In fact though, when I was 14 I had another opportunity through school to take violin lessons. I did so for 2 years and passed my ABRSM Grade 3. If I had started younger though, who knows where it might have led?
2. Exchanging addresses
When I was about 10 or 11 maybe, I met a boy on a beach where we were holidaying. I can’t even remember where the beach was. All I remember is hunting for crabs with him and having an amazing time. He was so easy to talk to and so much fun. His name was James, but I don’t really remember much else about him. I have no idea why I have continued to feel such a strong pull to him, but I have never forgotten him all these years.
I wish we had swapped addresses and stayed in touch. Maybe I am crazy? But when I think of all the people I have met in my life, some for the most fleeting of moments, I don’t feel the same way about them as I do about him. I often wonder what kind of man he grew up to be, whether he got married, had kids and whether he remembers me too.
3. Quitting gymnastics
I loved gymnastics ever since I watched a movie about Nadia Comaneci at the age of 8. I was absolutely enthralled and immediately started learning myself. However, when I turned 13 I lost a lot of confidence in my body. One of my clubs closed down, which affected my motivation. Puberty made me feel heavier and sluggish. I genuinely thought I was getting too old for it. Now I wish I had kept going. There is so much more to gymnastics than competitions. I loved being supple, fit and healthy. I also loved hanging out with my gym friends.
4. A different course at university
I could probably write an essay on this topic. I’ll try to be brief though. There are three main things that I believe affected my decision at the time: lack of confidence, desire to leave home and inability to dream big.
I remember being called into the head teacher’s office. Terrified, automatically assuming I had done something wrong, I racked my brains trying to work out what it could possibly be. Instead, I was stunned when I was told my name had been put forward to apply to Oxbridge. I was horrified. There was no way I was good enough for that! They must have made a mistake and it would be so embarrassing when they realised it. Plus wouldn’t it be super expensive? There was no way my parents would agree to that. So, I declined. I don’t think I even mentioned it to anyone.
Compromise
I wanted to study Chinese and Japanese. My father told me there was “no way I’m paying for a wishy washy course like that and I’m definitely not paying for you to have a year in Asia.” He wanted me to continue to study French and German and live at home and travel in to the University every day. At that point I was severely depressed, underweight and even had occasional thoughts about ending my life. I knew I needed to leave for my own sanity.
I decided to put my energy into gaining permission to leave home, rather than the actual subject. It really didn’t matter that much to me which languages, just as long as I could get away. I picked French and Italian. The latter was my tiny little expression of rebellion. I was determined to pick a new language, even if it couldn’t be Japanese. For that I would have to wait.
In retrospect, I wish I had taken time to consider other courses or combinations of courses. Things like music, creative writing, Asian languages. I’ve continued to follow these passions my whole life. As for French and Italian (and later I added Spanish too) – well I never use them now.
5. Getting so drunk in Spain
No, this isn’t a story about a hen party with a bunch of friends going crazy for a one-off weekend of fun. This was a family holiday, when I was 19. I guess getting bladdered was one way to cope with the constant drama that was a family trip?
That particular evening my dad took my sister and I out to a bar. While he sat outside chatting to people he met, my sister and I drank inside and met people our own age. I strategically decided to stick to a drink I was used to back then: Bacardi and Coke. The thing I didn’t realise though was that they didn’t measure alcohol to the millimetre, like they did in England. In that Spanish bar it was more a case of pour the Bacardi and try to remember the splash of coke.
After a fair few of those, unsurprisingly I got pretty drunk.
I woke up the next morning with a horrible hangover, a very painful nose and to the shock of seeing my mum in my sister’s bed. It turns out I had slipped in the bathroom, crashing my face down onto the sink and breaking my nose. It had apparently bled a lot, but I didn’t remember much. In the morning it was pretty bruised and swollen. My mum had been worried about me vomiting in the night as I was so drunk, so had insisted on sleeping in my room with me. She was furious with my dad.
My nose remains slightly out of shape to this day.
6. Freezing
Back when I was an ALT, an English language assistant, in Tottori prefecture, I always enjoyed the drinking parties they held at fairly regular intervals. It was a wonderful opportunity to chat with teachers outside of the English department and get to know people it was otherwise difficult to talk to.
One time though, on the way home from one, I was sharing a taxi with a couple of other teachers who lived near where I did. I had been drinking, as we all had, and the car ride was lulling me into a very sleepy state.
During the trip back, a male teacher, married with kids, and quite a bit older than me, started groping me.
I had always joked that should something like that ever happen to me I would punch the guy in the crotch. I definitely thought I would at the very least protest loudly. What I hadn’t been expecting though was to completely freeze. I think I was in stunned shock. I’ve since read that this is in fact a very common and normal reaction to any kind of sexual assault and it occurs with other traumatic experiences too.
Self-doubts
Afterwards I questioned myself and my behaviour that night. I shouldn’t have drunk so much? Maybe I inadvertently led him on by my “foreign flirty ways”, maybe he misunderstood the signals? Maybe I should have worn something different. I mean, I wasn’t dressed like I would have been for a club back home, but even so I questioned it.
The thing is though it doesn’t matter. No one has the right to touch your body or invade your personal space without your permission. The fact that this guy was a colleague was what shocked me the most. I guess I trusted him. In my head our relationship was “safe”.
No regrets
As I said above, I do not believe in regrets. There is always something to learn, even from something traumatic. Please don’t misunderstand me here, I wouldn’t wish an unpleasant ordeal on anyone. Sexual assault is reprehensible and I know my experience pales compared to what others have suffered. Some people have been through things that I genuinely struggle to comprehend how you would even begin to process it, much less forgive. I can only speak for myself, and with everything that has happened in my life, I choose to lift what good I possibly can from it. I guess it’s the only thing you can actually control sometimes.
If my life hadn’t enfolded exactly the way it has done, I wouldn’t be the me I am now. Every single experience has led me to this moment where I am sharing with you parts of me that I never imagined I would have the confidence to, even a year ago. I can’t change anything about the past. But what I can do is shape my future. And the future I want is one of creativity, authenticity, filled with honesty and love.